I am sure alot of you can relate to this and alot of you will have no idea what I am talking about. I have touched on this is previous blogs. When you are told you have cancer, no matter what type, or stage, it just changes everything. Nothing is the same. I can not explain it. I am just not the same. I mean I am in some ways. I look at things different. Things strike me as petty that did not before. I am a bundle of emotions because I have huge things I am processing. Some of my friends just can't seem to process this. I see some friends slipping away because they just can't deal. Support has popped out of strange places.
I have talked about how precious my energy is and how tired I am. Some people ignore.
I just see this as a whole learning process. i have had to set limits and for the most part people have been very respectful, BUT some don't like it.
I have gotten tremendous feedback on m blog. Some people do not like the blog.
It is a much needed outlet for me to keep people updated and to get all these feelings out.
Some blogs are hard because I have needed to get some of this out for a long time. Some bloggs are sweet. They are just what I am feeling. I guess if you don't like what I am saying, don't read it. If you don't like my cancer and can't deal, go on then. I gotta keep moving on.
I wish I was the same but I am not. I am on a new journey. Some people just can't go with me on this one. It is lonely but I know you cancer survivors out there know what I mean with this. I hope I can be with you guys on the other side.
If you have any input I would like to hear it. Maybe they touch on some of this in support groups.
Love me
I love your blog! It is like the weather with rain and shine, warm and brisk, wind and calm...and the occasional hurricane. Honest to it's core. Thank you Ellen.
ReplyDeleteWith regard to above:
In my experience, when tough things happen support does come from surprising people...angels!
Some folks are not cut out for heavy duty life stuff and at least some know to lay low and if they don't we hope they soon learn. We love them and let them stay away.
The angels who do come around may not be the ones who you thought would or should but they are the ones who know how tend your precious energy. They will give you energy and become your energy during the times you haven't any.
And as you know it is wonderful to realize who your support is and can be disappointing to discover who it isn't.
Try not to take it personally if someone you expect to come doesn't...they really can't help (it).
Everyone has different gifts and talents and I believe that God will surround you with people that will be there to give you everything you need. What one person lacks, another will provide.
ReplyDeleteKeep your eyes open for every gift and miracle. There will be lots of people walking with you in this. God will give you people to fluff your pillows and He will give you "rocks" - people that always know what to say and when to say it (and know when to say nothing at all). God will give you people to feed you, people to drive you, people to laugh with you, and people to cry with you. God will also give you people to fight by your side. Keep your eyes open for every gift and miracle! :)
Oceans of love and prayers .. //Fweem
I turned to a friend of mine, who also is a clinical psychologist, because I could not stop crying for months after my diagnosis. She told me that crying was a good thing, a way to cleanse one's soul.
ReplyDeleteI had a really hard time talking on the phone because it made me cry. So I didn't. I told people to read my blog for updates or to e-mail me, but not to expect to get an answer all the time. Like you said, help and understanding came from unexpected places.
BUT .... no one, and I mean no one, told me what chemo was really going to be like. I was so disappointed in friends, doctors, nurses. I am the kind of person to whom "information is power" and all these people knew how I felt, that I wanted to know it all.
Our lives will be forever delineated by the terms "before cancer" and "after cancer". Terrible.
I am shocked and disappointed that anyone could be critical of anything you are feeling, writing or doing right now. Who could ever predict how they would react if presented with the physical and emotional stress you've been subjected to the past few weeks? I am sorry that anyone has been less than supportive. I hope if people can't rally behind you right now that they'll quickly fade into the woodwork and not cross your mind again. You certainly have no energy to spare on people like that.
ReplyDeleteI admire your grace, courage and candor in sharing your thoughts and feelings here. You are wise to set boundaries for yourself. Let your mom and Leslie and other close friends help you enforce them.
Hang in there, Ellen. Lots of people love you and join you in praying for a miracle.
JoAnn, i have a little clue about chemo but I am in denial. I will cross that road.
ReplyDeleteEloise, I am supported. Thank you so much for your caring.
i am waiting to hear what we are doing, I am relaxing on the bed enjoying my dog and my sister. I am trying to gain strength for this chemo.
I don't like your cancer! I really like your blog and I love you! As my Dad used to tell me, "Go get 'em tiger" - you are kicking ass so far and ditto what everyone has said - Angels, prayers and friends are surrounding you. My sister said chemo is pretty much like what others are saying - you have to go through it to know what it is. I prayed on that super big rosary I have from Our Lady of Guadeloupe for you - as I told you I would start doing ... and guess what? I didn't realize this but it glows in the dark - some kind of sign?
ReplyDelete"Go on then."
ReplyDeleteFabulous!
It is difficult to gain strength for chemo when you have been through what you have, Ellen...all that abdominal surgery and its aftermath. Just get as strong as you can and don't expect too much of yourself.
ReplyDeleteEllen, you are right. Things are different now. You have joined the club that none of us have ever wanted to belong to. Four years out and I still cringe at the thought of June 18th- my diagnosis date. I am sorry that some friends can't "deal". I cannot give good advice about them b/c my mean side will come up. I do know, that a neighbor you didn't know had cancer might randomly bring you dinner, or a little old lady at chemo will have her whole Baptist church praying for you. You will be shocked by those that do and those that don't. For me I did get angered by my mom saying "so and so is praying for you". And normally I would say the same to those in my place. I don't know why it bothered me so much. One day I was like, "that's great, mom, but I don't think Jesus is going to come down here and go to radiation and chemo and throw up, etc. for me" So even though we are different with different circumstances, I can really relate when you write you are tired or constipated or in pain. One quote I love is this: "even in the depths of the darkest winter I found in me an invicable summer". I love your blog and miss mine. If friends just need health updates you can make a caringbridge or carepages site. If there is a Gilda's Club anywhere near you I highly recommend. That place was my lifeline. Talk more soon. LIVESTRONG. XO, Tamara
ReplyDeleteps- how about Kris Carr's crazy sexy cancer book? you can take some and her website same thing
Yes, things are very different. But you are my friend and I am by your side. I can't walk these steps for you, but I can stand with you and keep as much cold wind off of you as I can. I am here.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was diagnosed I went into immediate denial, and yes I did tell everyone, but as soon as people knew they divided into the two familiar camps: those who don't know what to say and thus stay away, and those who want to help despite what you tell them.
ReplyDeleteThat second bunch haunted me because their presence in my life was confirmation that the cancer was real despite any denial I might attempt.
I've missed a week or so of your blog because I've become programmed to go to Facebook and read up on everyone up until the last time I checked, like they're all my little chickens to take care of... which sounds silly. What's sillier still is that even though I've been blogging for over 10 years I forget to check my friends' blogs.
(I think that I added the "invincible summer" quote to my profile on Facebook at some point during my recovery. It's one of those fundamental truths of being human.)