Memorial day

This weekend was rther uneventful. Leslie got back. I was sick. This happened before chemo last time. Not sure if white blood cells are down. I could not keep food down. Not sure if the iron was too much for my system or the ascities is back. I have gained 2 pounds in four days and all the progress with my constitution has stopped. I am bloated and full feeling. Food seems gross. I feel pregnant when i sit in a chair. Yuckola. It will be over soon. Rid got a haircut and he is beautiful. Ok well that about wraps itmup. I do not feel chatty or witty.
Later.

Sunday

I wanted to upload some pictures but this i pad wont let me upload for some reason. I am too lazy to go to my imac. Not eating well. This happens a few days before chemo. I think the chemo wears off and the ascities kicks in. Friday could not eat lunch or dinner. Sat i ate but dinner did not work. I ended the day with a carnation instant breakfast trying to get some calories in. I know i won't eat the three days after chemo so i need to get calories in now. It is also hard to get enough calories in when you start eating for cancer. I confess sometimes i am more about calories than organic, but i try. I just ate breakfast, let's cross our fingers. Mom is in the yard pickimg up sticks. I am going to linda's pool for a little sun/ girl time. Don't worry,i have 100 sunblock. Then i pick les up from the airport. Yay! It is better when she is here and rid will be beside himself. ok, not much other news. Hope everyone is having a great weekend. Peace out.

The weekend

It is chilly and damp with a smattering of fog. The birds are going crazy and somehow a mosquito got in my bedroom. I woke up to him humming in my ear but he chowed down on my leg while in was sleeping. I am calling the guy to spray the yard today. But before I do that, I am going to enjoy this coffee. I need to eat breakfast but I am so not hungry. So hard to make myself eat. Yuck. Food did not sit well yesterday. No plans for the day. I am going to chill out. Maybe work on some trip research I started before i got sick, walk a little. No real news to report. Have a great memorial day weekend. Thanks all the veterans....
Peace

Mornin

Last night was a humdinger. It rained so much. A huge branch fell on my neighbors house. I feel so bad for them. I am happy everything is not droooping. I love that it is crisp and damp. It smells good. I have my coffee, mom spent the night and is walking my handy companion. He is super itchy. Elvis got itchy this time of year. Allergies! I do not have plans really for this holiday weekend. Lulu comes back sun pm. Monday we will grill. Normally i would smoke a brisket or a pork shoulder but i think I am ging to smoke ducks. They drip so much fat they can catch fire but they are so yummy. I feel really good today so far. I am going to try and take a little walk around the block. Build some leg strength. I am also going to look in this cancer cookbook and make something. The cookbook is called the cancer fighting kitchen. The recipes are broken down into different categories. For anemia, day of chemo, nuetrpenia, etc. Everything inhale made has been really good. The author has been a nutritionist at a cancer center and really "gets" it. Maybe this will help some of you. There is also informative nutrient information. I am just starting to learn about all this. I have cut out sugar and meat. Those are the main things for me. Sugar feeds cancer. Meat is because of my type of cancer. Ok, have a great day. I am. Peace.

Thursday

Sitting here on the porch watching bluejays eat peanuts next door. There are three of them.A fat squirrel is sitting on the box with the peanuts greedily eating them, not letting the bluejays have any. Fat bastard. They are swarming trying to grab one. Fatso is going to eat them all. Occasionally he gets too busy with one and a bird is able to grab one and fly to the dogwood tree and eat it. I am sipping my coffee but the minute I finish, I have to eat to avoid acid coffee tummy. It is cool and nice and I am meeting a friend for lunch. Should be fun. Meanwhile, I think I am going to fix the walkway lighting. If I can bend down.... There are a million other little chores, one at a time I keep reminding myself. My body can't keep up with my brain. It will though. I just have to push a little more everyday. I am getting continually stronger but it is frustrating. Kind of like sitting at the piano and not being able to play like you once did and you get frustrated. Ok, gonna run for now. Have a great day! I am. peace

Slacking off

I am slacking off. Ate some Thai noodles, went to publix, now I am home doing chores. Hard to get alot of things done. I am trying. I hate asking people to do so much for me. My neighbor cut my yard but I still need to weed and mulch. I am just not up to that task. Yet.... My handy companion is bored and keeps bamming me with his paw. I know he wants a walk, mom is coming to do that. I can't do that yet. He pulls too hard and my arm strength is not back yet. Kind of funny I can't walk a 17 pound dog. Truth. I just called his breeder and thanked her for breeding such a great dog. Anyways, it is nice out, I am hoping the rain comes tomorrow night. Everything is looking mighty droopy. Going to rest a little more and make some turkey meatballs. Should be yummy and I can freeze some. Would prefer beef but it is off the table for now. I ate ribs the other day and my stomach hurt for a long time after. They were mighty tasty but I am not sure if taste outweighed the results. I think ground turkey will be fine since chicken has been ok. I am just burned out on it. I am getting burned out on broccoli too. Ok, have a great day. Peace.

Dr. Visit

So Dr. c said we will have 3 more chemos and then another cat scan. He was very pleased with the shrinkage and my ca 125 went from 181 to 122. Still high but dropping. I am encouraged. I am relieved. I am continuing my fight. I went to lunch with beth and mom. Came home and I am chillin on the sofa. I am really full.... Hopefully i can do a few chores. No other news. Will update as needed but there is not anything until chemo next Thursday. I hope my strength continues to improve.... Beth leaves tomorrow, sad but it has been fun. We have been friends for 41 years. We rode big wheels together and her brother jay and I would play fort and shoot green pine cones with wrist rockets. You have not lived until you have been pelted with pine cones from a slingshot. Remember that Jay? we also went to the oaks everyday in the summer. The 10!!!!! Scary, exciting, and painful when you landed wrong. Ok, enough flash back to the 70's but there are some good derby hills memories in there. Ok, maybe some of other friends will get their Butts here! Stat! You know who you are..... Michelle G......and bring Adam.

Coffee on the porch

I woke up early today. Since I already know the cat scan is good I am relaxed and thankful. I wonder if Dr. c is going to proceed with the same treatment plan. The iron is staying down. I can now bend over and pick something up off the floor. I have not been able to touch my feet since Feb. 20. May sound small and insignificant but try dropping a spoon on the floor and picking it up with your toes. These little things change everything. My dog now thinks he is a kitty cat. He is sitting next to me on the porch on the side table. His new favorite spot. God I love this dog. He is the best ever. Except for Elvis(my dog that passed in oct.). I can't imagine this ordeal without him. What would we do without our animals? I know some people are cat people or dog people or both, but what about the people that are neither? They are missing out on some serious love! Well have a great day! Get some puppy or kitty love..... Enjoy this gorgeous weather. I am.
Ciao......

Yay

So I have good news. I just got the results of the cat scan and the tumors have shrunk a little. The ascities has gone down and I am meeting with Dr. C to go over this more in depth. Just wanted to let me friends know the good news. The chemotherapy is working. Yay!!!
Ok have a great rest of the day. I am.

Yo

I had the granola I made this am. It is a special make you go formula. Wahoooooo..... Beth and I are sitting on the porch drinking coffee... Haven't planned my day. Took the iron. I took it yesterday, if you ever have tom take iron, kealated is the way to go. It is buffered so it doesn't make you sick. Hopefully we will nip this anemia. Tomorrow is cat scan results, nervous.... It will be ok. Katie gave me the best advice on that and it calmed me down. :-) no earth shattering news today. I am going to try and walk around the block and build some leg strength. My buns of steel have turned into buns of half deflated water balloons. Lol! I wanted to lose weight but my legs are pencils, I need some definition. Hopefully soon I can go back to the gym and do leg presses. Definitely not there yet but it is a goal. Ok getting in shower. Peace.

Sunday

Lela just left. I managed to scrape together a fritatta with feta and capers and some cheesy, creamy stone ground grits for breakfast. I then took the kealated iron for the first time. We will see how it goes. I am sitting on the porch drinking apple juice. Ridley is looking out the screen anxiously awaiting mom's arrival to take him walking. I told him "grantie" was coming. He is excited. He knows that means a nice walk in the park. I do not have the strength to walk to the organic farmers market in the park. I hope mom will pick me up some tomatoes. I am going to have a great day. Do the same.

Saturday

Leslie left. Lela is here. We are cooking out of my new cancer cookbooks. Lela is making minestrone. I am making granola. We are grilling fresh salmon and making spinach and baked sweet potatoes. It is fun cooking. I have not cooked in months. I was able to get through thestoree without sitting down. I am on the sofa now while the granola cooks in the oven. Lela has the decemberists playing which I love. The sun is streamimng in through the window and rid is a puddle on the floor. It is a great day. I had a gyro for lunch and some Tuscan bean salad. It stayed down. Yay! Maybe a small walk later. An awesome day, and I am thankful for it. Sooooo, that is it for today. tomorrow there is an organic farmers market in the park. I want some homegrown tomatoes. My favorite and whatever else looks good. ok have a great weekend. Peace.

Saturday

Leslie left today. Sad she is gone but glad she gets to be home. I know she needs it. Another great day here! Yay! My friend is co,ing over and my other friend is coming from Ca. For a few days. I am excited. My mom is coming to walk my handy companion sand I am laying here listening to the birds. It is warming up and I want to go sit-in the sun. I know I shouldn't. I am going to weed for a bit. I can bend over enough, exciting. Ok....gotta go. Have a great weekend. Peace

How can I explain this?

This is kind of hard to explain. When you get sick you get depressed, you feel bad. Everything is scary and sudden. Everything is new. Your whole system is fragile. you don't know whAt to expect. Each day is different. Consistently you feel like shit. You hope for these small windows where you are laying on the sofa and things feel normal for a few minutes. You forget about the cancer and you are laughing with your mom or whatever. But those are few. A lot of the time you are laying there with nausea or bone pain. You wonder if you are ever going to be normal again. Then you start to have good days and they freak you out. You wonder how long they will be here. You eat, you have some energy. You feel like you once did for a few hours in a day. Well not really, but sort of. But you know it is an illusion. The cancer is still there and you will have your levels go down and you will feel bad right before the chemo and after. But you have a moment of false security. And it feels good, but you know it is a moment. That is my day today. I think I have a week and a half or at least I hope I do until this nightmare starts up again. That is my life right now. Or at least today..... And hopefully tomorrow and the next day and the next day.
Peace

Awww hell to the yeah

We are going to my house this afternoon. Hell yes! My constitution has returned to normal shall we say.... Epic! I am eating. I am drinking. I am feeling ok. A girl can't ask for more. Let's hope this keeps up. I slept like a rock last night. I am about to go get bloodwork. I am reflecting upon our dinner last night at kaleidoscope. I am laughing. Living downtown everything has a more urban edge. Kaleidoscope was rather shall we say velveeta. Lots of bottle blonds teetering awkwardly on heels. The dude pulls up with the cheesy envoy, but he bought some nice 22's, he gets out with his tanning bed girlfriend with shorts riding up her ass. I would have been digging to china, how can you concentrate and have clothes that far up your crack. I guess Brookhaven has gotten a little cheesy. The food was good though. Alright, I am gonna get up and at em. Have a great day people.

More

Went to great wraps for lunch after cat scan. Due to my necrotic kidney the radiologist changed the contrast to have less stress on kidneys. Thank you dr.whoever you are. Now I am back at mom's house. Contemplating going to anthropology. I want a couple of summer things. I continue losing weight and a few new things would be nice. Yay for MasterCard. addendum...went to anthropology, bought pants, mediums. I have not been a medium since the 90's.and I bought a cute little dress. Well leslie bought it for me. I had part of a milkshake. Now I am back on the bed. It was active. Tonight we are going to stay at moms and lunch at the "club" was postponed until tomorrow. Should be good and I will wear the new dress! Ok I am going to nap now.peace

Yesterday and today

It is 6 am and I am sitting here drinking this berry flavored contrast. Yuck. I slept well. I go for the cat scan at 10:30 and then Our friend wants to take us to lunch at the club. My problem with that is not the club, as in capital city, it is with my depleted wardrobe. I don't have any clothes. I look like a bag lady. We will figure it out. Yesterday turned out to be good. I ate half of a chik fil et sandwich for lunch with extra pickles of course. Then les took me to Lenox. There weren't any wheelchairs, so we walked a bit, tried on some pants, and I drank an icee. So weird, I hate coke now because it tastes weird but an icee tastes delicious. Then we went to Phipps and they did have a wheelchair so we went all over the place. I drank one of those coffees frappacinos from starbux, looked at shoes and bras. Why is everything tshirt bra padded? I mean those are great but sometimes you want a little lace. Then went to Kitties house for a visit and I came home and was wiped out. All in all, a vey good day. I hope I stay on this path until the next chemo. My friend Beth is coming in from California for a few days which will be awesome. I am so excited. Beth with no kids.... Wahoooooo. Although I think her kids are great, it will be nice to have some non- mommy time. That is all I have to report at this time. I will write more later because les has a crap load of work to do and we are going to hang at moms until tonight so I will be bored out of my gravy sucking mind ladies and gentlemen...... Peace

Ahhhhh

Today might be normal. I slept like rock in the big bed. I lost another 2 pounds from not eating. Maybe today will be the day I eat. I think i am ready for a field trip. Wonder what it will be today. I really want a pedi but they keep telling me you can't pedi during chemo because of infection. My toes are horrific. I want nice pink toes. I am sipping on my apple juice, afraid of the coffee. I don't want to shoot this delicate balance into disarray. So my tummy is down today, so frigging weird. Who knows why it does what it does. I just feel better. I guess the chemo is drying it up. Cat scan tomorrow.... I have to get up at 5 to start drinking contrast. Yuck... Alright well that is about it, you know i will have some sort of rant later. Oh and JoAnn and Jenny, the rice pudding was a big help last night. :-)

Later

I climbed the steps today to the comfortable bed. I stay in the hospital bed for 72 hours because I am toxic from the chemo. We went and ate dim sum for lunch. For some reason I can eat that. I came home and got in bed. I don't feel bad but I am not high energy. I am laying in bed in the room I grew up in. Looking out the same windows like I did when I was a little girl. I love looking out at the trees blowing. It is windy today and it makes me happy. I can hear the pileated woodpeckers and the cardinal dodges in and out. this matress us so much more comfortable. I can lay here and stare at the trees and not feel like I need to go to the chiropractor. Of course my handy companion is curled up at my side. He sleeps at the foot of the bed in the hospital bed but in the big bed he naps with his head on my thigh. All is well so far. I am sipping on apple juice my old standby. Not that I love it but it agrees with my stomach. I donor want to get sick again. I think I will nap and them draw bugs for mom on some wrapping paper for fiona's gift. I think I can draw today. Getting dressed today was another story. Before cancer you get dressed and go. Now with cancer, none of my clothes fit. I have bought new ones. They are baggy. My body looks so strange in the mirror. It is looking at someone else.a holocaust survivor. The long scar runs from my chest to my pubic mound. Not a neat scar but a jagged red angry scar with staple holes that intersects my belly button and looks strikingly contrasted with my pale dry skin. I have no hips or body fat anymore. I have to sleep with a pillow between my legs. My stomach is swollen from the tumors making me look slightly pregnant. I have to buy pants to accommodate and they are huge in the butt. .My hair is gone and what is left is totally grey. I don't recognize myself and neither does anyone else. I say hey to people and they have no idea who I am. No worries. I know who I am, I just don't know this body and neither does anyone else.

Mornin

Yesterday started well and then I was sick from 3 pm until I went to bed. I could not even have a sip of water without being violently ill. Zofran did not help. I could not take my pain pill at bedtime. Regardless of that I did sleep. Restlessly. I have been in the hospital bed for 4 nights and I am stiff and sore. I woke up at 6 and was able to sip on so e apple juice and nibbling on some Greek yogurt and blueberries. My stomach is less swollen.... Go figure. Not really sure how I feel today, so far so good. everyday is completely different. I think we are heading home today. Cat scan Thursday. Les leaves sat until sat. That is about it for today. We will see if chemo brain has lightened up. Cross you fingers.
Have a great day!

Monday

I just vegged all day yesterday. I took pain pills and was a blob. I did eat a little and stayed hydrated. Today I got up and I have just stayed in bed. I ate breakfast and am contemplating a snack. My chemo brain is in full swing. I have been walking to the end of the driveway which is tiring. My hips ache after. It is so funny how simple things require effort. Taking a shower leaves me winded and tired. I have a little stool I sit on. Makes it easier to wash my legs and sometimes I just sit there and let the water run over my head. My stomach is still swollen, guess that is how it is. I can't bend over very well. I might take another nap. I have watched 3 law and orders this morning. hopefully by tomorrow I will bounce back from this chemo treatment. Who knows. I have the cat scan this week and I am really nervous about the results.....

Sunday

I took pain pills last night and this morning. My stomach is still huge. I can't eat much. I am staying hydrated. Stella Jane painted me a picture of rid. It is awesome. I was so touched. I think it is my favorite present ever. I have some old Family friends dropping by today. Then they are going to lunch with Mom. I am just hanging here seeing what I can eat if I feel better. Actually, my chemo brain is better. I don't feel bad per say. My stomach hurts off and on and I just want to eat more. Meanwhile I am watching old movies. Well old as in 80's. That's about it for now.
Peace.

Sat part deux

Drank some keifer, had a snack, about to take a pain pill. I was sitting here thinking about food. I throw everything up. Nothing appeals to me. I only eat small bites of things. So ironic. I am a gourmet cook. I used to work 12 hours and come home and make dinner every night. Real dinner not some little thing. Salmon and artichokes poached in wine with mixed field greens and polenta. Or... Pork chops smothered in gravy with rice and creamed spinach. On the weekends was a whole other deal. Homemade pappardelle with bolognese. Slow smoked brisket. Home made chili rellenos stuffed with potatoes and chorizo. That seems so far away. All that food seems really gross right now. It is funny how life can turn on a dime. I know my cooking desire will return... Eventually. Today I did not get sick. I ate very Little but I am staying hydrated and that is the most important thing right now. Love smart water. I am getting a little burned out on vitamin water zero. Any suggestions? I posted earlier that I think I am done with coffee. Sad but necessary. Tea is still good but it is a diuretic so I need to be careful. So I guess that is all I have to say right now. I am having chemo brain today. I just can't maintain a conversation. It is exhausting. I can't explain chemo brain very well. I have tried but I know some of you get this and it is difficult. Have a good night.

Chemo, the day after

I got home and went to bed. Insomnia last night from the steroids. My lower stomach is cramping from you know what and I feel really weird. I think this cycle is a little different. My upper tummy hurts and I think it might be a pain pill kind of afternoon. I could not keep my breakfast down. Coffee was a bad idea, and JoAnn I hate to say it but I might have to give it up. This morning I am trying to pull it together, Ridley needs to go to the vet and I want to take him. I am changing vets because the vet I loved started her own practice. Dr. Amy is the bomb. Then I will come home and evaluate me. My stomach just blew up a few days ago and dr. C said it was the tumors. Weird Because the ca125 the same but I hope it is fluid. He did not think so... We will see. When my stomach swells I can't bend over, I can't wipe my ass, I need help Getting dressed. It sucks and I feel helpless. Ok well, I have to bathe and get ready to take Rid. Hope everyone has a great day and I hope my tummy gets better.
Peace

Today

We are wrapping up the chemo. They just gave me lasix because my tummy was swollen. We all know what that means, 20 mg of lasix....at 4 pm=pee every 20 min. Until 3 am. That 's ok. Maybe my tummy will go down. We left the center and I came in the bedroom opened the window to feel the breeze and listen to the leaves rustle and got an awesome surprise. Normally there is a little male cardinal that hangs out near the window but today there are 2 gorgeous pileated woodpeckers on the trees doing their laughing call and I am enthralled.I was watching but they got too high and now i am listening to their call. They are so cool. I feel ok after the chemo. The same weird sensation as ever when I have it. Jacked on steroid. When you have chemo you are toxic for 72 hours. Any secreted fluid or solids are poison. Extra hand washing, rubber gloves etc. Flushing toilet twice, washing hands before and after eating, bathroom, etc. Lots of work. Lots of antibacterial soap. Ann Bates just brought up a Spanish frittata, potato and egg, delicious, warm and right out of the oven. Perfect dinner and some perfectly steamed broccoli. So sweet to come home to some thing comforting and delicious. Thank you! So glad for this moment. I haven't been right for a few days and I am ok... For now. Guess
I will rent a movie since I am going to be up for quite a while. Any suggestions? I watched a little of despicable me, but not quite in the mood. Ok have a great night.peace.

Blog was down

They deleted some posts and the blog went down for a bit. I am not rewriting all the posts. I am getting my chemo. Chemo brain has started. My tummy is swollen. I am much better from the blood transfusions. I am not as weak. I have a little energy. I am just sitting here fir several more hours. Boring! I will write a better post later today or tomorrow. Peace.

Oh joy

Today is awful, I am so anemic I Am really dizzy. I almost fainted walking from the car to the Dr's office. They gave me the paperwork to get my handicap sticker. I am not having chemo today because I am too anemic. Am having a blood transfusion instead. 2 units. So I will be here all day and then Chemo tomorrow. The good news is my ca 125 levels have remained stable but my stomach is swollen and I can feel the tumors. So that is my story today. The dr. Said we are making progress but it is very slow. Cat scan next week to compare and hopefully cancer in my lungs is gone. What I am really excited about is the barium from the cat scan will make me have diarrhea! A welcome change.... Ok. Waiting on the blood. Then a big dose of benedryl and then I wil be night night for a while. Pray I don't react to the blood. I really really hope this chemo regimen is in fact working. Would the dr. Blow smoke up my ass? Actually he said he Had other options and to not worry if the cat scan was disappointing. Well, have a great day. Peace out.

If t's not one thing, it is another.

Got to mom's, felt weird.went to bed, and now I have vertigo and I am dizzy. What next? I feel like a complaining old lady. So Dr. At 9. Chemo at 10. That is it. I have to sit there at the infusion center for6 hours so I might blog then. Depends on how woozy I am from the benedryl.

Ok

Ok settled on the sofa. I have eaten a bit. Not nauseated today. I am very very weak. Light headed when I get up and my legs tremble when i walk. As long as I am laying down, I am ok. So I am grateful for no nausea. Ridley has grabbed the kitchen cotton rug and one black bra and one cream bra and is sleeping on the pile. Leslie is on a work call. I am watching the today show but iI am about to turn on Nurse Jackie. Love her.... I go to moms later and chemo tomorrow. The steroids will jack me up and I won't be so tired. I am holding down alot more liquid today. Don't want to get dehydrated.... Ya know, maybe a nap instead of nurse Jackie is a better idea. Night night.

Yuck

Yesterday was awful.I was sick all day from the iron. Not taking it today. I bought some kealated iron and I will take it Friday. My stomach is hard and swollen. I am wondering if I am starting some ascities. Or I am literally full of shit. Just cross your fingers I am not sick all day today. Chemo tomorrow. Short blog for right now. I feel weird but not sick. Might be the low point of my cycle. More later......

Hmmmm

So I am sitting here contemplating things. This is day 4 of iron and my sisters friend is a gyn and he said to eat 6-7 small meals. So that is my plan for the day. Plan c. But I just took the iron and I am feeling quesy. Darn it. Anyways, it is what it is. I was talking to my friend and was telling her about how I felt about cancer. When I had my surgery, my Dr. Said I have a patient who should not be here and it has been 5 years. She said they had gone to lunch to celebrate. I was so irritated. I thought 5 years is nothing. How ridiculous. Now I am laying here thinking, oh my god, if I had 5 years that would be awesome. I could do a lot in 5 years. It seems like a lifetime. My friend has had 11 years, awesome! So this is really more of what rolls around in my head all day..... So blood work today. The woman at the desk is lazy and nasty. And then we will see who is poking today, I swear to god, if it is the one lady I am going to rip it out of her hand and do it myself. 3 tries with a butterfly and my hands are still bruised. I already complained about that yesterday. Sorry. I hope the Ethiopian lady is there. She is good. And she is sweet. Ok, getting sick now. By by

Darn

I just got to the place where I was good. Constipation gone sort of. Feeling good but weak and then the iron. I have been sick for 2 days. Today started out great and then I felt VERY nauseated at 4. Took a zofran, now I am all buzzed out and feeling weird. I took the iron this am but maybe I should have had a snack to keep something in my tummy. Ding dang it. Oh well. Watching tv and waiting on les to get back. She made this orzo salad I am kind of stoked about. Let's hope I can eat it! I hope tomorrow is not so nauseating. I hope the dumb blood lady can hit a vein. It took the girl 3 fucking tries with a butterfly. Do you think the would freak if I did it and filled the vacutainer myself. I could! Why is this so hard? Ok...that's my vent for the afternoon.still nauseated.... Oh well!

Addendum.... Dinner came right back up. Darn it. Soooo drinking vitamin water, hoping to have some yogurt or something gentle in a bit

This blog is for Ba Ba

So here is the deal for my non chemo friends. Everyday is different and every day is the same. I feel good some days. Somedays I am nauseated. Not often. I do throw up a lot after I eat. Not food but liquid. I have tumors pressing and my tummy can only hold so much. It isn't a lot. Some things do not agree and come right back up.thank god that is not often. I have started iron and that is making me throw up but i was told to take the iron with more food so I hope we conquer this beast. I sleep better because I take this pain pill at night. I think I was sleep deprived for a while. So I have been a new person for the past couple of weeks. As far as my brain goes..... Fuck. I can carry on a conversation but if I am too weak or tired and it gets too deep, I have to shut it down. Can't deal. I can't read because I have no desire and when I do it takes to much focus. Somedays I can balance my checkbook. Somedays I can not write out a check. I can't focus on writing. For some reason I can blog and email but like I said if an email is too long, I delete. Can't focus. people give me magazines and pamphlets and I throw them on the table. I can't read them. I look at the pictures. I guess this is what they call chemo brain. Some days are worse. A lot of days are mild but reading a book is out all the time. But I am alive and happy and doing some things and I would be dead if I did not have the chemo.... So.... Chemo brain it is. Me and my handy companion are contemplating breakfast. Leslie is at boot camp. All is good.... I am going to try and get a handicap sticker today. Then I can Doris Day park everywhere.

Sunday

Mom and I ate at a meat and 3. Blah. Came home and have been on the sofa but i have transitioned to the porch with my iPad and some cherry Garcia. This usually coats and stays down. I am really tired and I know I am at the low point of my chemo cycle as well as anemic. I am bored with the tv. I have talked to friends but you can only talk on the phone so much. So I am blogging again. Nothing profound. I had a great day with mom and I do love her very much. I wish lunch had been nicer. She has helped me a lot this week and she loves her grandog. She has come and walked him, I can't do that yet. I really do not know what I would do without my mom. We have had our differences over the years and she can drive me crazy but she is my Mama! Thanks fir bringing me into this world Mom!

What is up?

I sat here and typed for 20 minutes. Then I accidentally hit undo. I had a really bad eating day yesterday. Too much breakfast followed by 8 oz of oj to take the iron. What was I thinking. I can't drink 8 oz of anything. Then I made myself eat a sandwich.... Violently ill. Genki with Amy, not so good on the tummy. A little ill. Today is better. I am taking it really slow with tiny amounts.... Hopefully that was just one day. Happy mothers day. Leslie doesn't get back til tonight so we are doing mothers day on Tuesday. I am content on the sofa pontificating bullshit and watching bad tv. Uh oh, I took the iron with a snack and I a, starting to feel sick... Dang... I desperately need the iron. Oh well. Mom just got here to walk the dog. Glad or the company. Ok have a great day!

You question

You know I go through the day, and there is a lot of routine and monotony. There are things I do not write about even though I am pretty open and share a lot. I have mentioned faith. Something that is very personal and something I Do not feel like sharing with some people. when I did I got way too many long emails and mountains of scripture. I deleted it because I can't focus on reading much. I write but long emails are a chore. I am still not reading books. I think about god and life and higher powers and living and positive energy. Not all day but it bounces around in my head. I also think about this cancer a lot. Not being sick but how did I get it. I think it was this toxic place guy and I shot at and ironically he got sarcoma too in his tonsil. Might be a coincidence. Is it genetic? We are not the cancer family. We are the heart attack family. Plus this is the rare weird cancer for 70 year old women. I had a half of a half percent chance of having this. I went to get a ribbon. You know breast cancer is pink, ovarian is green, etc. My cancer doesn't have a color. Would be nice to have a color. Oh well..... That's how it goes. Those are the things I think about. I think about friends and family. I think about my death and I am going to pay for my cremation this week. Cheaper that way. I wanted to be buried but I don't anymore. I also am planning my funeral. I am not giving up but I do not want a priest saying a bunch of strung together things he gathered from some brief conversations right before the service. He can do the down and dirty part but i want my friends to get up and say whatever they want good or bad. More real that way. I hope this won't happen for a long time but I want it how I want it. There is more stuff bouncing around but I do not want to share right now. Ok that's it for today. Another slumber party tonight. Ciao.

Happy Saturday!

Had fun slumber party at Lela's. Good food. Good fish. Came home went to public. Can't eat today. Had breakfast but too full for lunch. Hate that. Mom is coming with rid. Will be happy to have my boy back. Started the iron today. That is about it. No other news. I just need to eat. Maybe later..... It is gorgeous out. I hope everyone is having a great day. It is so beautiful. I am going to try and take a little walk. Peace.

Sooooo

Today is my anemia is kicking in day. Yesterday was too. So it is oral fe for me. Yay... More constipating things to ingest. Not such a great eating day either. Everything is sitting heavy. I am trying to drink enough, hard when you are full. Smart water is my friend. Electrolytes. Lonely. Ridley is with his grandmother so it is mighty quiet. Tonight, I go to lela's. That will be fun. Slumber party somewhere else. So I am resting up on the sofa getting ready for the drive to Gwinnett in the fri afternoon traffic wahoooooo. Seriously though nice mellow day just feeling anemic so I do t feel bad, I am just a puddle of goo on the sofa....

Cancer

This is a different post. This post is for all the people that read this that have had cancer, have cancer, or are family members of people with cancer. I could not have started this journey and done so well with out my sister. I know a lot of you have people you feel that way about. I also am so grateful for all the support. People without cancer want to help and they do but they just can't totally understand. All the feedback and support means so much. I know I should do a support group but I am not a group person so this is where I get it. I wish everyone the greatest luck with their recovery and I hope everyone in remission stays that way. It is spring, it is beautiful, and everyone should feel good. Nobody should be suffering and yet this disease and all the treatments do some pretty horrible things to people. Some good too, like the gift of life for a little longer but still..... It makes me sad that we all have those things that are not the same now and they never will be. The proverbial before and after....... Ok have a great day. I will too.

Mean people suck

I know I can be intense, cranky, emphatic, passionate. I Can bitch up a storm but deep down I am not mean. It's just my big defense mechanism. The wounded teenage angst thing I just never stopped doing. But I do know a lot of mean people. I saw one particularly mean person today. I used to work with her for years and she was a total bitch. Well actually cunt would be more appropriate in this instance. She made my life hell. But I can't hate. I was polite and she has had some misfortune and I felt bad for her. I don't want to be friends but I can't walk around with the hate. And of course she is not sick. Mean people live forever. Nice people die. I wish I was meaner. I can say mean things but I think I am just not mean enough..... My aunt died of pancreatic cancer. She never said I mean thing, she was truly a Christian, and probably a virgin.she was 72 when she died. Again, nice. Not mean. I am being ridiculous here but this is whAt is rambling around in my head. I am just irritated. I feel better. I am tired of being sick. I want this to be over, and I have a long way to go. I do not want mean people in my life. I am all i can handle...... And that is enough.....
You get sick and you just want only certain people around. Mellow, funny, silly, not mean. Ok I am babbling, peace....

As if

As if I didn't get enough salt last night. I went to get this Vietnamese crepe thing I love. Ir was ok not the same as cha gio. Then I went by star provisions and got rid a deer hoof. Rid is kind of in a nirvanic trance. He has been busy for 2 hours. I have been on the sofa. I am pooped. I napped and I just don't have the energy to tidy up or do anything else today. I miss Leslie. The house is empty without her. And she can explode a room. I bitch about the clutter but I kind of miss her clutter.... Mom is staying here tonight. Maybe we will rent a movie. No other excitement. Tummy is sore today. I think the problem I was having with my constitution has turned the corner, thank god. Maybe I will have some excitement tomorrow.staying with Lela. Wahooooooooo

Salt

I have always been salt sensitive. If I eat Chinese, I can gain 5 pounds.I have not been eating much Asian lately. Since I have been sick, I have eaten lots of fresh fruit, yogurt, organic turkey sandwiches. Not much salt. I have eaten out some. Last night I had Chinese. My hands are so swollen I can't make a fist. Salt. Salt is sneaky and insidious and it tastes good. Before I got sick I was the salt girl. I would much rathr have fried chicken or French fries than something sweet. Not anymore. Sweet it is.I crave raspberries and I enjoy a little dish of cherry Garcia every now and then. Funny how your taste can change. Funny how my hands are so swollen. Anyways.... My handy companion and I are on the sofa. I am sipping the life giving bean as usual. I have nothing profound or witty this am. Not sure what the day holds for me. I hope it is good. I am sure it will be. More later....

oxy

So one thing you may or may not know about me is that i partied alot back in the day. i never injected myself or anything like that but i had a rather well rounded college experience shall we say. Then i grew bored with it all. i kept drinking but when my friend Charlene in 95 left the bar after we had a million Jagermeisters and hit a steel pole on monroe and died, and i had to tell her parents and her boyfriend she was dead, happy hour became a little boring as well.  Fast forward to my mother in laws suicide where she shot herself in the head and was drunk when she did it, and my friends wife overdosed on alcohol and died the same week, i kind of stopped liking wine. I just kind of stopped everything. I am just lucky I do not have the addiction gene. I have become fascinated with addiction as a result. It makes me sad and it is kind of like a car wreck.... so predictable. I watch that show intervention and i know the people all probably relapse but it is so horrifying watching these people on their last leg shooting up in their neck or selling their baby or what ever it is they do. The other night, the episode was not about a particular person but about hillbilly heroin. Oxy... Oxy the drug made in the 90's that is synthetic heroin designed for teminally ill cancer patients. the drug I was on before my surgery. then a week of dilaudid( heroin) then 2 weeks of oxy at home and then I ran out.. Nobody mentioned stepping down off the drug. the dr. would not write another script. the nurse said take tylenol. the drug I detoxed off of the week I almost died. Ascities and withdrawal all together. Fun, fun, fun, but i guess what has echoed through my head since this episode aired is terminally ill cancer patient....... me. I am not taking the oxy. I take nucynta, and only one every night but still. Will the pain stop? am I terminally ill?.... yes.... for now. Fucking cancer...... fucking oxy.....Fucking terminally ill...

Darn

Frigging vertigo. 3 times today. I feel like dodo. It starts, I spin, I find a position where it stops spinning and I stay perfectly still.sometimes I wretch. Most be pollen or something. I went to whole foods by myself, I drove, I came home. I am now On the sofa resting. I need to unload the dishwasher. Sounds trivial. I need to rest. I can do that and then I need to sit down for a bit. I have other chores too but we'll see how far we go. For now, my handy companion is laying across the back of the sofa partially on my leg. He had a little playgroup time with his girlfriend scruffy and a shit zu puppy named kujo. He gets a little wacky without playgroup. I hope this frigging wavy gravy feeling goes away. I hope I don't have another vertigo attack. I hope none of you ever get vertigo, it is awful. It's inner ear and there really isn't anything they can do. Have a great afternoon. It is sooo pretty out. Nice and cool. Love.....

Wow

Took an atavan instead of pain pill, thought I needed pain pill after all took it. Slept, woke up with vertigo. Went back to sleep. Woke up with really bad vertigo, took Leslie to the airport. Laying on the sofa without vertigo but feeling wavy gravy. This has happened 2 other times in my life when I have rolled over in my sleep and I think that is common for vertigo. Ugh.... Go away. Had my coffee and I have a dog next to me. I am going to brave whole foods by myself. Then home for most of the day. Gonna make up some projects and get organized. It is lonely without Leslie..... Ok no big news today....I am sure I will get fired up about something. Peace.

Uh huh.....

Thanks for all the well wishes. We went to bones. I had the crab and my favorite part is they give you big fresh mint leaves for the ice tea.a minor detail bur for those of you who know me well you know that the ice tea is the most important part of Lunch. No unsweetened tea= I am leaving. Sooooo back at home. Went to razzle dazzle and bought some shirts. Came home and am on the sofa in a puddle. Rid has a bra and it has gotten hooked on a throw rug and he is pulling them across the room. Craziness. He is wild today..
He needs to run. It is thundering and raining here and I am enjoying this afternoon storm.
I really am enjoying not working. I am so type a that having cancer us the only excuse to sit still. I am enjoying the hell out of my remote and the sofa and sometimes just the sofa.ok that is it for now..... Gotta rest....and enjoy the sofa....

Yo

So i went to sleep at 10 woke up at 3 to pee. That was a 5 hour block.longest ever. Then I watched the investigators and then slept from 5 until 8:45. Wow,I feel so rested. I am on the screen porch with coffee and iPad as usual. We are going to bones for lunch. I am not eating steak. They have some nice fish dishes and I can get them to hold the sauce. Really what I want there is the lump crabmeat cocktail. The perfect protein and that might be all I eat. So, then I need to walk today to keep building leg strength. My legs have lost all their mass. I still can't walk super far but inam improving everyday and steps are much easier now. It is sooo frigging gorgeous out! I can't hike stone mountain but maybe take the cable car to the top of the mtn. It is so pretty out. I hope soon I can go out to sweet water and do the 3 mile hike. No where near that but I miss those nature trails! Have a great day! Peace

Bittersweet

Tomorrow is my birthday which is bittersweet for me. I always liked my birthdays but not as much in the past few years. When I left wade the day after my birthday 2 years ago, I had a bad one with him. Last years I don't even remember. This one is a waste. I do not want to go to a nice restaurant. But the reality is, this might be my last birthday. I am not being negative, just realistic. I am cautiously optimistic every day. But I have been sad today. Somedays the reality of having cancer hits and you cry a lot. I sometimes wonder what I did to make god hate me so bad but I know that is not right. It just feels that way sometimes. And my religious friends, p,ease do not write me mountains if scripture or long rambling things. I am just venting here. I normally try not to get this deep and melancholy on the blog but this is the reality of where I am. I am feeling better but it is hard not to get a little depressed. I have fought it really hard. If i get negative sometimes it is reality, some friends can't handle it and have snapped at me. Fuck em. I never snapped at them when they said stupid shit.I just listened. And they didn't have stage 4 cancer.so I will be Pollyanna with them and vent on the blog. So tomorrow will be what it is. Will do something with my sister and mom. Then Leslie leaves...... She needs a break. I need a break..... Ok well that is about it. Had to get that out. I do feel better today, just having a moment. I was bad, I ate a varsity chili dog and it was great. It is the only thing I have craved in 2 months, and it made me really happy. I am taking tums now and I do jot care. :-)

Hello

Grilled on the big green egg last night. Nice roasted chicken, nice lazy day except for tummy ache. Having little coffee with mom.she spent the night. Going to whole foods, I think dekalb farmers is too big for me still. I am going to juice this week. I have a whole week to myself. I have chemo next week but this week I am free. I am thinking I need to go to the beach. I have been dreaming about me and horses on the beach. I need to feel wind on my face and I need to walk on the beach before it gets really hot. Mom is thinking king and prince. That is fine. Not totally what I was imagining, I was thinking funky dumpy beach cottage. Either is fine. st. Simons is very comfortable for me. Not the most bucolic scenery but close by and comfortable. I hope to continue to improve. It has been such a blessing to feel so good these past few days. Cat scan in 2 weeks and we will see if all this is working. Cross your fingers. I feel certain it is because I am not having the asceties. But I am not a doctor. I could not have come this far without my friends and my mom, but most importantly my sister. She has done more for me than anybody will ever know.

I lied

My only other problem is that my tummy is sore and tender. Upper and lower. I got dressed and I can't stand to have anything touching my tummy.I have spent a lot of the day n the sofa resting. i did eat, probably not enough. Mike came and finished the rails on the back deck.John started it but never finished and never would call me back. Mike Tanguay is the sweetest guy in the world. He just left to go watch his wife's Gaelic soccer game. Leslie and all will be here soon and I am roasting chickens on the egg. Yum. Also making squash casserole. Nice to be cooking out on the grill.I just hope this tummy ache goes away.
it has been a nice day otherwise. Hope tomorrow is even better!

Japanese

Turns out, Japanese is the perfect cuisine for me right now. I can eat everything and it does not taste weird. No raw sushi but veggies, tempura, etc. Vera and I watched hereafter for our slumber party movie. Not sure about my opinion on that movie. A sleeper I thought. I guess ok would be my verdict. Not great. It is really cool out and I am drinking coffee on the porch. My dog is at mom's house and it is super lonely. At least we did not have to get up at 5 or 6 to pee pee. He will be back later and we are going to have a little cookout with my brother in law. I have the big green egg and I am thinking some shrimp skewers or whole roasted chickens....meanwhile this is so nice out here.I am still feeling well and my only problem is that problem that requires laxatives and i think that is not stopping anytime soon. So right now in really do not have any complaints and I feel really lucky to feel so good. I hope everyone is having a great weekend and enjoying the Inman park festival, one of my favorite things in the world. I can't walk that far so I am missing it this year. Ok have a great weekend.