bad ass

I have always had a shell. It was my protection. When my Dad died I had to build it to take care of myself. Also,there are a lot of assholes out there and  I built this shell to deflect. It has helped and it has also been a mistake. People think I am a lot tougher than I am. In actuality, I am very sensitive. I get my feelings hurt very easily. Of course very few people in film ever got that. Film people are all about right now. Film people think that since they are working on a film, they are better than everyone else. They also think people should immediately drop whatever they are doing for them because they are more important than anything because they are working on a film. Film people also think it is ok to be rude and impatient. Film people put the film before anything. I have had decorators and designers get angry because I had a doctors appointment. God forbid you want to take a french class or jewelry making class at 8 at night, That is career ending. So you have to be even tougher. I don't want to be a bad ass anymore. I don't want to be a rude entitled fIlm person. I certainly don't want to join the league of haggard set decorators. You know the women over 55 that are beat and have no life because they have been one of those rude film people for 30 years. They are usually type A, they don't dress well, they are not pleasant. They are respected but they are not people you want to hang out with. The stress has taken it's toll on their face. A lot of them stress eat and it shows. Most of them don't have friends, they make friends on the movie and then flick them off like a booger and make a new best friend in the next town.
I don't want that. I want my life. In the past 3 weeks I have become a whole different person. I am as fragile as a sheet of paper thin glass. I am not use to this. I am used to being the bad ass trying to please the league of haggard set decorators.
I want to be fresh, rested, happy. I don't want to be a bad ass with my defenses up to survive.