In the hospital

I am in the hospital. Leslie is going to post for me tomorrow. I haven't felt good. Sorry I haven't posted. Leslie knows everything. I had a bad chemo reactin and we are trying to get my creatnin down to rule out a pulmonary embolism. I had peri synthesis to drain my abdomen. There was no fluid in my lungs. That is pretty much it in a nut shell.

More Christmas

It's a stay in bed and eat pain pills kind of day. A neighbor brought over some turkey and mashed potatoes, carrots, dressing, sweet potatoe, and broccoli rab.delicious. I kept some down. I am grateful for the kindness of our neighbors. Anyways, it sux I feel bad but this has all in all been a Nice day. My little dog has stayed curled up at my side. I have gotten a million merry Christmas texts. I have talked to old friends. I have hung with Mom. Ok peace...

Christmas Day

I hope every one is enjoying their morning. I am laying here sipping Gatorade. We opened presents and had some sausage rolls. Ridley was fascinated and wanted to help unwrap everything. It's kind of peaceful upstairs. I can hear the rain and it's making me sleepy even though I just got up. I feel a little better today but my stomach is still big and sore. I am thankful for this Christmas and I am thankful to be alive today. Dr. Jenkins told me I would not be here. I wouldn't be if I continued under hs care. I am thankful that we are having a simple Christmas and not some big production. I didn't make it to mass yesterday. I am not going today but I did thank god for everything. All I can do. Friends will come by later. A neighbor is bringing some lunch over. All in all it's going to be a great day Lucky me.
Ok merry Christmas everyone. Take a moment to reflect on your year and be thankful for what you have. Don't take anything for granted because it could be gone in a second. Peace.

Later that day

Well my tummy is sore but I am not as sick today. I am taking alot of pain med and it is helping. I just ate some chocolate soft serve yogurt with fresh raspberries. It was delicious but unfortunately the cold is making my stomach sore. I want to start the next chemo so bad. The tumors hav grown so much the past few days and it looks like I am pregnant now. Dang it. I can walk around some and I do feel better but I get really tired and winded when I get up. There was so much I wanted to do and couldn't. I love to make cookies for people every year and I just couldn't this year. It's my standard gift.

Peace

Merry Chrima

Merry Chrima as Leah Sawyer likes to say. I was asleep but for some reason Mom thinks it is ok to walk in the room and just start talking to me. She asked me what I wanted for breakfast. Jesus. I am sipping on a coke. I don't think we will be doing much today. I am not sure if I feel better or not. I would like to take a little drive but I am not sure if I am up for it. My stomach is sore. I hope I can eat a little breakfast. Eating yesterday did not work at all. It was violent. It hurt. My stomach was a wall of pure acid. Mom brought me a milkshake thinking that wold be a nice treat. My stomach protested. I am so sick of this. You have no idea. I don't need to lose any more weight. I need to be building my strength for this iphos. At least they gave me the blood transfusions and the k so that built me up some. I think I feel ok today. I have not stood up. Yet. Any hooty.... I hope everyone has a great day today and tomorrow and enjoys their families and doesn't lose focus of what this is all about. Families get nutty this time of year and it's crazy but don't buy into it of you can help it. I am trying not to. Maybe I will even make it to the 5:30 mass today. If I go to st. Luke's they have this great kids nativity every year. If I go to the church I grew up in, I think it might be kind of empty but I like the priest. Hmmmm. Decisions decisions.

Hospital

Went to get labs yesterday which led to fluid which led to the ER which led to an ER admit which led to me getting to my hospital room at midnight. I am npo which means I can't drink or eat. Dang it. I had about a million bags of k because my electrolytes are off. They just came in and cross typed which means I am having a blood transfusion even though they haven't said it. My Blood pressure is low so I can't have pain meds.... Yet! So i am in room 343 if you want to come by. Northside hospital. Let the holidays begin!!!!. More to follow.

Wednesday

So I am still at Mom's house. I feel better today. They did not drain the fluid and my stomach is still poochie but all in all so far it is a better day. I just ate a fried egg sandwich and drank a glass of milk. So far it has stayed down. My stomach is really loud today! I slept last night and that was awesome. I slept until 8. I feel rested. I hope we stay on track because it has been a rough few days and I am over that. I might go home this afternoon. Ridley is at the groomers getting a bath. Mom thought he was stinky. I didn't. He is a dog! This crazy grooming woman puts little bows on his ears. Ugh.... Ok well here is to a great day. Hope you have a good one. And when you are eating your lunch just be grateful that you can!

Tuesday

I fell asleep watching tv last night and woke up at midnight and could not go back to sleep. Watched knocked up. What a dumb movie. Watched diners drive ins and dives. Drank gatorade. Went back to sleep woke up at 6 to eat and drink something before my procedure. Can't eat or drink after 7. Procedure is at one but I have to be at hospital at 11. Boring. No biggie I just have to wait and wait. I know I will feel better. The iv fluids and the potassium helped yesterday. Fucking tumors..... Anyways I think I will go back home today. It will be nice to get a few things done. I have a lot of paperwork to organize. I think I might have some medical write offs. I only paid the deductibles and office visits and drugs but since I made so little I might be in business. Who wanted the gumbo recipe? It just said anonymous. Email me or give me your email address and I will give it to you. I have a Cajun gumbo I make and I have a Mississippi delta gumbo with okra and seafood which is awesome. I know alot of people don't like okra but this gumbo is good. My aunt edwina makes it and everything she makes is delicious. She can even make liver taste good. Go figure. And I hate liver. I really hope draining my tummy works because I want to pig out on Christmas. I may even eat some meat. Just a Few bites but the thought of some juicy beef tenderloin or a succulent lamb chop is driving me crazy. I haven't eaten hardly any meat in a year. I did have a hamburger and it was delicious but i paid dearly for that. I think I also had some sort of stewed lamb at an Indian place and that was ok. When I eat Asian there are small amounts of pork in dumplings and things. That doesn't seem to bother me. My friend gave me the name of this Szechuan place in doraville I am waiting to try. The minute I feel better i am there. Ok enough about food.
Peace out.

Monday

Got through the weekend.Felt bad. Threw up. The usual. Going later to get a liter of fluid and tomorrow I will get the fluid in my stomach drained. I have ascities where the tumors weep fluid and make your abdomen distended. Ugh. They literally stick a tube in your stomach and drain the fluid in to a bottle. They actually ultrasound to see where to stick it. Sooo that is my big week. What about you guys? Ready for Christmas? Shopping done? Menu planned? I hope everyone is making some delicious food. I would love to enjoy it vicariously. I Have had some invitations to go to friends and neighbors and I am excited about NOT cooking. Thanksgiving cooking is my thing. Although I might have to make the gumbo Christmas eve. That is kind of a tradition. Seafood gumbo. Mmmmmm. Ok have a great day.

Here is to a new day

Thanks for putting up with me the past few days. The worse I feel the crankier I get. Then there is the cut off point where I feel so bad I get complacent. I didn't get that bad. Thank god! I am sipping on my coffee and I am planning my day. I had fun with Vera yesterday and maybe I will see her again today. I might see another friend but I doubt it. He has been really sick this week. I need to go to the farmers market but I am not sure if I am up for the crowds. I just want to get some organic fruit but I may just bite the bullet and go to whole foods. Hopefully I can eat a little today. I managed to eat some soup and salad from maggianos yesterday. I love their chopped salad. They were a little skimpy on the avocado though. Mom has Ridley and it sure is mighty lonely. On the other hand I slept in. Somebody did not bunny hop on me at some ungodly hour. Lately he has been testing the waters at 4:30. Geeeez. I make him go back to sleep. I know one thng..... I am going no where near the mall. I can say that with absolute certainty. Ok well enjoy your weekend. I am.

Boobies

I got my diagnostic mammogram today. The boobies are good. Yay! I feel a little better but my stomach is still swollen. I am chilling in front of the tv. Excited about the boobies!

Good am

Maybe today will be a better day. Not sure yet. somebody let me sleep until 7. I told him he was a good boy. I am sipping on my coffee and as long as I don't eat, it will all be ok. I have to eat. I am either going to make a fruit smoothie or some eggs. Eggs seem kind of gross. Actually soft boiled or poached seem better. Soft things are where it's at. I am less cranky because I feel a little better today. My stomach is still pooched out but I am not in so much pain. My friend Vera came in town last night and she is taking me to get my mammogram and then we are going to hang out. Yay! I am excited about seeing Vera especially since she is not on a show so we can really relax and catch up. We met on a movie in 1993 in ponte verde. Samantha the teenage witch, mr. Roper from threes company( Norman Fell) Joanna Worley, and squiggy from Laverne and Shirley were in it. I was the on set dresser and watched the director of photography fall off of the process trailer during a driving shot. He landed on his head and became brain damaged. I used to go down to Florida and work all the time. I miss it. I shot with Vera in st. Augustine for a month. We were in the fort. We shot another movie in fernandina. That was fun hitting the beach before work. Actually I think that movie was with Joe. I used to love to work in Florida.I need another little beach trip. Ok here is to a great day. Maybe just maybe I can muster up the strength to take Ridley to the park. Ok peace out.

Dang dang dang

I still am throwing up. My stomach hurts. My fentinol patch fell off and I did not know it so I put a new one on and I feel a little better. I did not keep supper down and I have been in bed all day. The tumors have grown. The new drug is not working and I can't have chemo next week. We have to wait another week to get the adriamyacin out of my system. So my stomach is distended and it will continue to grow. I did get my fridge fixed today. The heat people are coming Monday to fx the furnace an dedicate a circuit. Hopefully that might solve it. I doubt it. Mom went to the store today for me. I tried to get her to help me do some chores but she did not want to. I swept and mopped the floor myself. All she could do is bitch about the dog. Fuck it. I am sick, dying, and I can't deal with nagging and bullshit. I am going to be gone and she is going to wish she took the time to sit down and talk to me. She never has. Not during this whole illness not once has she sat and watched tv with me. Not once has she asked if I am scared or how I am feeling. If I am in the hospital, she makes up things she has to go do that don't matter. I have begged her to get therapy but she hated the therapists. Uncle. I give up. Her loss. I can't deal. Gotta take care of myself and keep moving on even if it means spending Christmas by myself. I can't deal with non communication and passive aggressive games or the perpetual victim role. Mom complains to her friends and they side with her but there are 2 sides to every story. Keep that I mind. I love mom but uncle.......Leslie is there for me and she gets it but she isn't here. I wish she was. I love her with all my heart and she has done so much for me. I could not get through this without her. I am so glad I have my sister. she is my rock.

Ouch

Last night was horrible. My stomach hurt so bad and the pain Pills weren't working. It might have been a combination of gas and acid. I was fetal for 12 hours. Mom keeps nagging me about getting the dog bathed. As if I fucking care about that right Now. She just doesn't get it. I vomited everything I ate yesterday I had my cat scan. Results today. My stomach is sore and tender today and I am in bed waiting for the heating repair and the refrigerator repair people to get here. I have had an ongoing problem with my furnace nobody can solve. They are bringing the house electrician in today and to see if he can figure it out. If not, we go to amana. My fridge thawed out the other night. I reset the control panel and it cooled back down but still. Something made it shut off. What the heck. Anyways, I think I will just take it easy today. I need to get some more milk so I might run out for a bit but I am not sure with this tummy today. At least so far it is a better day than yesterday. I have my handy companion by my side even if he is a little stinky. He is a dog after all. He hates the iPad and bams it with his paw to get me to pay him attention. Spoiled rotten! like right now!

Poopie

I feel like crud. I took sme Pepcid and some nausea meds last night and that helped. I am drinking coffee and will dose up again in a bit but now I have a really bad abdominal pain near my hip. Dang.... not as bad when I lay down. Hurts when I walk. Rosie, my nurse is coming to change my central line dressing and she will have an opinion! I talked to Cecelia in Dr. c's office and they might move my cat scan up so he can read it before he leaves town. I am supposed to go to lunch with an old friend today, I hope I feel up to it. Meanwhile me and my handy companion are chillin on the bed. I am drinking coffee and waiting for this pain pill to kick in. Here's to a better day! JoAnn, if you still read my blog what was that drug you really liked that helped you with the sickness? I know you mentioned it before. Thanks.

Good morning

I wrote a rather negative blog about Christmas, and then I deleted it. I sounded like a big fat whiner. Christmas this year is depressing for me. I will be sick from the chemo and throwing up. Cecelia said this 3 rd cycle will probably kick my fanny sooooo..... Good times. I am not going to go into all the other things I wrote. Christmas can be depressing and emotional for some people. For some reason, a lot of emotion gets stirred up around this time. This is the time of year my Dad and Grandmother died and yearly I reflect upon this. Maybe it is the grey sky and the cold. I really don't want to get depressed this year. My fight is so tenuous and I need my strength to try and get well. The eating part is bad enough. Anyways, I think now is a time to reflect upon what we have and what we are thankful for. I for one am glad to be alive another month, or week, or day, even if it is a bad day sometimes. It is so strange to think of life in terms of these small fragments and small actions as opposed to a larger picture with goals and outcomes. But it is all I can deal with. So this week should be pretty good. Just a diagnostic mammogram because I found some small lumps in my breast. I think they are cysts. I hope they are cysts because I just can't deal with the girls getting cut on right now. Actually I am a little terrified. At least the bone scan went ok. Now this. Always something..... Fun fun fun..... Ok peace

Insomnia

Watched Margin call last night. Ok movie. Kevin spacey was good. Fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night. The only thing on was pimp my ride... Soooo that is what I watched. Dude. Now I am sipping on coffee contemplating my day. I really need to go to the grocery store. I really don't want to. My legs are on fire when I walk. Maybe I will use the scooter but I hate that shit. I wish Leslie was here so she could just push me around in the wheelchair. We could do whole foods in 10 minutes. It will be fine. I talked to Guy yesterday, it has been one year since his Mom died. So I have to write one for Ginny,his Mom. I loved her. Ginny was a tough Little cookie. The first time I met her, Guy sent me over there and I was priming the new French doors in the den. Cutting all the mullions inside and out took quite a while, and the entire time I was painting Ginny was frying bacon. The smell was torture. Finally I went in the kitchen to take a little break and get a glass of water and there were 6 cookie sheets Full of bacon. Holy crap. That was when she explained that she and Bessie made food everyday for the dialysis patients at Grady. Every day. Out of their own pocket. See the Tuttles are givers. Dr. Tuttle was a kidney doctor and treated people, alot of times for free. Ginny fed people, dialysis patients, homeless people etc. Many days I would stop by and there would be mountains of sandwiches or huge bowls of chicken salad on the island.
I miss sitting with Ginny and Bessie in the kitchen. Usually the tv was on, and something yummy was being made. Soup....yum. Her chicken salad was the best ever amen. The little cheese cookies, I would die for one. Anyways Ginny passed right before Christmas last year and I know this is a sad time for the Tuttles. You guys had a very special Mom. I love you Ginny....Merry Christmas. Peace out.

Addendum

I went to meet Lela near Buckhead, tooo crowded. I ate at the big easy. So good. Then of course it came back up dangit. Then I bought some new jeans that fit. I am running out of sizes here. Then I spent a crapload at the channel counter. Just had to be done. New make up is always nice. Then ate a second lunch. It stayed down. WhY can I not eat a bowl of gumbo and a nice oyster poboy and a small tossed salad BUT I can keep down a dairy queen chili cheese dog? WTF? Chinese was a disaster last night. Hmmmmm I think I will just skip supper. I just got home and blew off the grocery store and I am laying on the sofa contemplating a mug of hot chocolate with a little baileys. I know I know. I haven't been drinking because I am paranoid about the chemo,and alcohol,but a nice slug of baileys sounds yummy, or even a nice white Russian. Mmmm any hooty maybe there is a kick ass movie on tcm. All I know is I had a pretty decent day and mom came and got my handy companion and it is super lonely without him!
Peace

Ahhhhhhh

I slept until 8 practically a miracle since my handy companion wakes up at 6:30. He let mommy sleep late. He is also stuck to me like glue. I am trying to blog but he keeps Bamming me with his paw. God I have spoiled this dog. Probably more than all my other ones but Leslie and mom did not help the situation. I am sipping on the life giving bean... Nectar of the gods. Mmmm. I put some cinnamon in my coffee today. Perfect. I think I feel good today and I have a friend coming I haven't seen in a really long time so that will be fun to catch up. Since I got sick I have talked to a few people from the distant past and it has been nice reconnecting with old friends. Usually we just pick up where we left off. There is something comforting about people you have known for a good chunk of your life, because you don't have to play the bullshit. It just is. Well y'all know with me, what you see is what you get pretty much. Well all except for the fact that I am outspoken AND opinionated and sometimes I still can't speak up like when it comes to sticking up for myself. Not at work so much but with friends etc. ugh why am I going off on this tangent.... Anyways, I think it is going to be a great day today. I hope I have the strength to take rid on a walk in the park but I think my potassium is low. I haven't had great strength in the past few weeks. Honestly I think 9 rounds of chemo, 12 blood transfusions, 7 catacans, 1 bone scan, 2 mris, 1 endoscopy, 4 perisintesis, and constant worry are starting to take their toll a little bit. Not to mention the fact that I can't Eat supper with this drug. I am losing more weight. My size 8' s are falling off. There was a time I would relish this but not now. Anyways, here is to a great day and a great weekend. Thanks for all the fb posts that was an overwhelmiing response to my fb post. 70likes and like 50 comments. Geez.... What would I do without support? Ok peace out
Here is your playlist for today.... These songs make me feel good in the car
Shawn lee ping pong orchestra... Kiss the sky
The decemberists..... Down by the water.
Oasis...wonder wall
Outkast.... Playas ball
Cotton jones....gotta cheer up
Coldplay.....hardest part

Hell to the yeah!

i mentioned in a previous blog that there was a spot on my spine on my L4. i was scared. i had a bone scan. there is no metastatic bone cancer anywhere in my body. they think i had a small fracture and that the zometa fixed it. i dont have to take the zometa anymore. i don't have to be a part of the bone study. life is good. this has been weighing on my mind and i am relieved that i can let that one go. i went to lunch with a friend today and then hung out at home. my dinner did not agree with my constitution so i am sipping water and wondring what in the hell i can eat.... hmmmmm.... rid is snoring at the end of the bed. my show, prime suspect, comes on at 10. maybe i will crash before then. all i know is i am so excited to be cancer free in the spine! lets hope everywhere else before too long! ok, that about sums it all up.... peace out.

Thou doth protest too much!

My stomach that is.... Oh lord this adreamiacin is kicking my ass. I have thrown up sooo much. I did keep a good amount of food down yesterday. The nausea is still here so I have taken the zofran and Pepcid is my new best friend. I have never had so much acid. Uncle..... I do feel better than I did but still... This is getting old. I got my teeth cleaned yesterday. That was amazing. Today is a bone scan and I found a lump in my breast so I am having Cecelia look at it and then I am sure a mammogram. Cross your fingers it is a cyst. More later I guess..... No other real updates.

Dim sum

Dim sum it was yum. Saw frank ma. Love him. Saw the grand kids. Adorable! Now I am chilling in bed. I am contemplating the week. Ready for what is next. Went to perimeter. Bought a few outfits. Actually a skirt and sweater and a long fluffy sweater. Looked at baby clothes. God bloomies had some really gross and tacky crap for kids..... I think my bone pain is kicking in....ugh.... My handy companion is next to me and I have the hiccups. Nothing else to report. My stomach is growing..... Maybe it will start shrinking....who knows.

Bubble bubble toil and trouble

My fucking stomach..... Is it tumors, is it the drug? Who the heck knows. I am so sick of throwing up. Ugh..... Anyways, I feel pretty good today, hoping all the illness is behind me.Ready to get out for a bit. Maybe tackle Lenox for a bit. Going to my house to get the air mattress and pack up Leslie's gifts I scored for her. Then... We will go to the mall. Ate a little breakfast today... Ready for lunch. I am thinking Asian. Wonder if les will go for it. Dim sum perhaps. Any hooty.... If not dim sum maybe a succulent ban Xeo crepe at chateu de Saigon. Yum! Or perhaps some delicious noodles with shrimp and tofu, a cha gio( egg roll) and some delicious mango cucumber and shrimp salad with cilantro. Mmmmm... I think it is going to be a good food day because I am getting excited about Vietnamese food. Although dim sum rocks too. Love the shrimp with sugar cane and the fried jellyfish. Sticky rice with chicken and ginger in a banana leaf is pretty good too but rice doesn't do well for me at this point. Decisions decisions.... All about the food. I think I lost another 5 pounds this week. Gotta catch up.!
Ok peace

Baby Shower

Leslie's shower was a lot of fun. The food was good. She got a lot of nice gifts, and everyone really enjoyed themselves. I am so excited about being an aunt and I am so glad I was able to do this for her. I got to see Leslie's godmother who I haven't seen in 30 years! Mollie, I love her. That was a treat! I managed to keep food down and that is good. I was not sure. It has been touch and go today. I thought it was the drug but I am sure it is the tumors.
Just wanted to write a quick post. More news tomorrow!

Sooooo

The chemo went ok. I had lunch and got in bed. Man was I sick. It started with a wicked heartburn and i was violently ill last night. The steroids had me jacked and I couldn't go to sleep. So mom woke me up, of course. She just gets tired of me sleeping and marches in the room talking. So i am sitting here debating on if I should go back to sleep. I probably can't now. Ok more later. Need some coffee. Actually I just went downstairs and drank a coke and ate some grits. Not the best choice. Now I am sipping water listening to my stomach gurgle. Leslie will be here in a few hours. Yay! And that about wraps it up. Hope I don't become ill today. Hope this illness is chemo related and not because of the tumors have grown so much. Can't deal with that again..... Well I gues I am. I hope this adryamiacin kicks butt this week. Ok peace!

Update

No Zometa for me because I am in kidney failure sooooo.... That's all I know still getting chemo today. Oh boy.... More to post later I guess. Just hanging out at the infusion center getting ivs and chemo. Ate a sandwich and am a little fidgety. I am always fidgety sitting here. I guess I will post more later, just a little tired.

What's next

I have been the good little trooper through all this. Today when I went for my check up, Dr.C mentioned the spot on my L 4 that has been there this whole time. Nothing
Ike a little bone cancer to brighten your day! It has never changed but the radiologist interpreted it differently this time, so I am having a bone scan. Not surprising the cancer had spread to my lungs so the bones are a logical progression. Disappointing. One other thing to deal with. The drug they are giving me is Zometa. It helps the bones from fracturing and it helps contain the cancer. A side effect although rare, is it deteriorates your jaw. I have agreed to be a part of a study that examines my mouth so if in fact this happens to me they can help determine why. God I hope not. Just one other thing. Kidney failure, bone cancer, lung cancer, tumors.... Good times. Chemo tomorrow, then bone scans, cat scans, and chemo the week of Christmas. Cancer doesn't stop for Jesus. I sure wish it would. I do feel better today. My potassium was really low so my electrolytes were all out of whack. So that's all the news. Mom wanted to go xmas shopping. I say bah humbug! I will celebrate in my own way this year but it is not going to involve spending money. I think the whole gift giving thing has gotten out of hand, and detracts from what it was intended to be about. You can give gifts all year long. Why does it have to be that day? I would rather give of my self or my time or my friendship. There I said it....peace.

Tumor tummy

If i press on my stomach, I can feel the tumors growing. They are hard knots. I have no appetite and I have been in bed since thanksgiving. I am lethargic, and I don't care. If I felt better I might be having an anxiety attack but I am not. I have talked on the phone a bunch and watched some tv. Mom took the dog and he is having playgroup. I will head over there tomorrow for chemo week. Les will be here Thursday.yay! I have been telling Ridley she is coming. He loves her. No other real news. More later.

Today

I am laying on the sofa watching the dawgs vs ga tech. I am not a huge football watcher but I do enjoy some college ball and of course the dawgs are my team. I have dozed off once. I am not into doing much today. I can feel the tumors now they have grown and I am starting to be nauseated. Ugh. The drug I am on doesn't work until the second dose...so I have to wait until Wednesday. Scary. I wonder if giving my kidneys a break was really worth it. I sure hope so. Nothing else to report really. I am going to try and cook a pork tenderloin later and that is the extent of the day. I have an app I downloaded on my iPad called clipboard. I have enjoyed it immensely. It consolidated magazine articles and arranges them by topic. Download it if you can! Ok back to the game... More later

thanksgiving

today is a day to be thankful. i am thankful i could eat the wonderful food i made. i am thankful for the company of my mom and my friends. i am thankful to be alive another day.
i am thankful for another holiday. i am thankful for my dog. i am thankful for my faith.....
what are you thankful for?

One word

Being sick with a terminal illness has given me a chance to reflect on many things. Things I have contemplated have been painful, humorous, and enlightening. If I could sum up what it all means, the thoughts, my life, I would say one word, "Lucky". Yes, I said it, "Lucky".

I was born lucky. There was not one single day in my life that I did not know I was loved. my parents loved me, and I love them. Some people never have the privilege of the nurturing and compassion that I got from my Dad, and I am grateful for it. It molded me and made me what I am todAy. The saddest day of my life was jan 12 1979, the day my Dad died. I was lucky to have had him in my life. Mom too, but Dad was my rock.

Lucky, I was also lucky that I have insight, knowledge, the gift of seeing. Whatever you want to call it. I see things way ahead of others. It is frustrating because they don't get it. I feel isolated, and eventually much later, they come to the same conclusion. Painful and lonely but still I am lucky.

I am also lucky to have so many wonderful friends. They say you are lucky if you can count your friends on one hand. Your true friends that is. I think I have to use my feet too. So. Yes I am lucky. In the face of this adversity I have to think positive and the word is Lucky. Was cancer lucky, NO! Was this cruel and painful illness I will always have lucky. no. But the other things far outweigh cancer. Make no mistake about it, cancer sucks. But there is good in it and I have realized how lucky I am. So....... Think about being Lucky.

Good am

I am sitting in bed propped up on pillows with my handy companion. He is wedged into my side snoring. We got up at 5,6 and 7:30. Butthole. He is sleeping fine now. I'm not.
Any hooty, I went to the grocery yesterday and that was it. No energy. I need some blood. I ate some red meat but I am past that. Just too anemic.
I am watching food network and wondering how much energy I will have today. Not much I am sure. But I feel good other than being tired and that is good. I am grateful.
Have to be thankful for everyday even it is just a marginal. No other news......
Has anyone seen a great movie lately, one I can on demand?
I keep renting duds. Peace.

Ok

I wish I had something zingy or witty to write. I don't. i had labs done and am waiting to see if i need a blood transfusion. i feel good, just tired. i got home today and am relaxing on the sofa. It is cold and since i lost so much weight i am freezing. i used to be so hot natured. not now! i think i am just going to have to have a big heat bill this winter.
I am really happy about having this next week free. I love Thanksgiving and I am looking forward to it. the next weekend is Leslie's baby shower i am hosting. i know i will be sick from the chemo but my schedule got altered. any hooty..... no real news.
Have a super weekend and enjoy yourself!

Morning

I have to say, I am really tired. It was fun working but also i am ready to not be working again. I am not up for stress. What I was doing was not stressful and there was no pressure but I can see where i just cant deal with it. Also because of the way they will deduct me benefits,i just worked a 40 hour week for $240. Not really worth it. I now have tocall ssi and go down there and take pay stubs, blah, blah blah......I did bank a few health insurance days and that is really why i worked. i really need to be careful though.
I feel good. I hope I dont have to get the dreaded nulasta shot!
I know I am rewriting things that I wrote last night. Today is a new day. I am armed with a peanut butter and jelly english muffin and a glass of oj. i can conquer anything!
i hope everyone has a great weekend. I hope I have a great weekend for that matter. not really up for yardwork.... maybe i will take a drive with my handy companion and do some phtotgraphy. I need to find an interesting place to shoot.
that is all for now. Peace out.

Slacker

Sorry I haven't posted. I did work some this week. I am not up for what I once did and I am tired but it has been nice being around people. I think tomorrow is my last day and that is fine because I am tired. I have to have 10 day labs drawn and a nulasta shot so I will be nice and miserable the days before thanksgiving. I am grateful to try and work. It will mess with my ssi and I need to call them. Really almost not worth it because I am definitely not up for going back to work on a regular basis, especially not with the chemo.
The hospital wrote off the balance I had and that is a huge relief.
Mom took rid to get bathed and they put little green bows on him ugh?... Gross.
Not much other news really. My friend Drew left the Atl to head back to the west coast. Sad to see her go. She will be missed!
More this weekend. Gotta go to bed now.
Peace

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Tuesday. I am going to go to work for a few days. I hope I can do it. I hope my focus and stamina is there. I am excited. It won't be a long day. I am sitting here in bed and it is really weird thinking about work. Setting the alarm, getting my kit ready, etc. I haven't used my laptop in 7 months, had to do some updates. It will be fun doing some graphics again designing some posters etc. much more fun than than shopping. Although I do miss shopping, I just don't miss shopping for inexperienced people. Anyways, it is weird not having my dog here. He is at moms because I didn't want to crate him while I was working.
I started prepping thanksgiving today. Made turkey stock for the gravy. Bought the supplies for the aspic and the spinach Madeline. I am just trying to avoid the crush next weekend. I need to get a jello mold for the aspic. Hmmmm. Target didn't have them, I guess Williams Sonoma might or home goods. Any suggestions?
Hop real other news. I still feel nauseated and I have this really full sensation. So strange.
I hope this drug is working.
Peace

Sunday

I am at mom's sitting in bed sipping coffee with my handy companion. He wakes up early and wants out of the room, then he wants to get back in, then out, then I put a pillow over my head..... I am contemplating this week. I have the opportunity to work some and I am seeing how i feel today. I think I am through the worst of this chemo. I am excited about working but I know I can't go in at 7am and get off at 7:30 pm like we normally do. Still.... I have to go through my things and get organized and get some food in the house and pack snacks. We will see if my stamina is up to it. Then the next week is Thanksgiving! Yay!
So cross your fingers. I found what I needed regarding ssi disability, I can work, I just have to report it and if I make over a certain amount they cut my benefits. That's ok because in the film industry you bank insurance days for each day you work and I am more concerned about keeping health insurance than a dollar total.
Not much other news today.......
Peace

Sat

Had my chemo, and am tired. I am anemic as usual but iron is so frigging hard to take. I get sick and it is so constipating. I will have a transfusion next week I bet. The nausea was not too bad. My appetite is zero and the rest of my hair fell out. I always had a little on top, but my head feels smooth now.....
Went to the mall today, I wanted to get a few things for Thanksgiving. All the linens are Christmas already. I was not prepared to deal with xmas today. It hit me. I cried. I know I know.... Quit being a baby but Mom has never been in to xmas. When I was married, Wade loved xmas and we always had a nice day. When his parents were alive,my Mother in law always tried to make Christmas really special. She really went all out decorating the house and it looked really pretty. Her cooking was ...well.... She made great pie. We always had a really nice time. On the other hand my Mom operates under bah humbug.... My sister has invited me up. That might work, depends on my cycle. Rid might enjoy a road trip. He loves the car. If I do that I need new tires. The point is this could be my last Christmas and the thought of that is really depressing. Then I have to remind myself to go day by day.
So I think I will be able to go home tomorrow and possibly return to work a little next week. I need to find out about ssi disability and returning to work.
Peace

Chemo tomorrow

So we are not doing the ifos. Tumor board did not want to compromise kidney further.amazingly the ifos only was statistically supposed to work at 18%. I was lucky. They are amazed I am here and it worked. We are going to save this ammunition at this time and try adriamyacin. Another low percentage success drug for this type of cancer. This one damages your heart. Doxil is a form of this drug but it is not being manufactured at this time due to equipment problems. Even though the patent expired in 2009 generics can't be made until 2014. This drug was originally discovered when researchers discovered a strain of bacteria in the dirt around a castle in Italy. They were searching for microbial cures. No shit.... Anyways this is a one day cycle that will not take all day. This drug can cause serious heart damage and is sometimes known as red death. It is red. And it can be deadly. Soooooo pray this new drug works and pray that it does not damage my heart! Another symptom is blisters on palms and soles of feet with peeling skin, nausea, arythmia etc.....wahoooooo.....
I guess I just have to be thankful i bought some time. Based on my calculations, it has cost $2181.32 per day since march to keep me here. I am an expensive date....hahahahaha
Peace

Hello

I just woke up with a giant headache. Feels more sinusy. I am at mom's. Sitting in my old room drinking coffee. I slept better last night and caught up a little bit. Now I am contemplating my day. I have to go to the dr. At 1:30.I will find out today if they are doing the ifos and at what dose. Then tomorrow the party starts. Meanwhile my handy companion is snuggled up next to me. No real news. No real activities planned for the day.
Ok
Peace

Lounging

Had vertigo today. Haven't left the house. Cooked some and am feeling better. I am out of money so it is probably best I chill here at home. I have my handy companion snuggling with me. It is chilly and my house remains cold even with the heat on. It is set up great for ac but not for heat. But.... What 110 year old house is. Charming yes. Energy efficient no. I need better windows and French doors but that is an expense that will have to wait. hanging out with the dog and my handy down comforter is just as good...
So I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend....
Peace

and then

I had CT scan and muga scan or multi gated acquisition scan today. The tech for the muga scan was awesome. Because of my renal issue we did the ct without iv contrast. Which was fine.... The muga is basically a video of my heart. I think they wanted a baseline in case they do this other chemo drug.Then they had tumor board and determined that I will be on the ifos still based on my labs Monday. The ifos has worked amazingly well and I am  ready for the next round. I am feeling so good and I pray that we can knock this out. My tumor load has really really shrunk. Nancy said this would happen and I am ready for those margaritas.... almost. I am still afraid to drink. They said I could drink but i don't want to jinx anything.
So i have the weekend free and I am looking forward to it.
There isn't any real new news. Just chemo next week. me and my handy companion will chill on the bed.
i might try and head up to N. Ga. in the am.... want to see some fall color but i don't want to get stuck in Helen traffic.
No other real news... I will write more this weekend....

Ok

I posted twice yesterday. If you read the blog about fantasy shopping before I corrected it, I am sorry. That was the worst iPad post yet. It substituted so many things that my sister and I were cracking up. It could not get bulgarie, and kept wanting to say I went to Bulgaria yesterday. I posted some photos.... Random... Just pulled stuff off the computer. Kind of fun. Trips I have taken.... I am writing this blog instead of showering and getting ready for the dr. Just a little procrastination. I will post more later. Hope you enjoy the photos.....
Peace out

More photos

Here are some pictures. random. Meaningless. No particular order.

Agra. India

Fes, morocco

Drummers in Jemaa el-Fnaa Square Marrakesh 

Nepal somewhere near Katmandu

A dog some

Rid Addendum, halloween outfits

Holy moly

Today was one day where I had no appts. Nada... I went to Bulgarie and tried on watches. If any one wants to buy me the pink mother of pearl watch with the alligator band it is only $8,000. So cute. Then I went to Neimans and found the cutest Christian Dior dress, tres Audrey Hepburn, tres fuck... $2,200 but I looked fabulous and the girls looked perky. I moved on to handbags and found an awesome Prada Beklin styled bag, that one was not bad only $1,100.as I fantasy shopped I saw the new Rachel Zoe line. Not my style but nice. I am more of an eskander girl but my Checkbook won't permit. I enjoyed my fantasy shopping trip. I did buy a Kate spade iPhone cover though, only $39.00. Mom took rid so I am sitting on the porch blogging and reading in the sun. Bagged some leaves in the front yard and I am happily not thinking about illness at the moment. I go to a med onc tomorrow that will be part of my tumor board and then cat scan and some heart test fri. Labs mon, dr. Tues and chemo wed.... I am free for the weekend too. I love this lounging around today. It is rare that I am calm.... Let's see how long I stay that way....

Well....

I went to the dr. And.... Well let's start out with Halloween first. I did not want to answer the door and touch so many kids with my compromised immune system. It was killing me not to see the wee ones. Sooo I put Ridley in a pumpkin outfit. He looked at me with tortured eyes and would not move. He hated it. I had a sparkly Elvis in Vegas jumpsuit and I put that on him and he felt frisky. We took a stroll around the block and he strutted and barked but when little kids came up he got quiet. They exclaimed,"the king!" what was great was some real little boys ran up to pet him. He is so soft and the moms were like," this is great my son is afraid of dogs and he actually petted yours. This is the first dog he has touched. That happened twice! Ya gotta love a schnauzer.
Ok back to the nitty gritty. I went to the dr. you guys know how wound up I was. He came in and told me the new drug which I promptly forgot. He is presenting my case at tumor board on Friday and hopefully we will be a go next week. I asked him about the success rate of this new drug and how I thought we had used up good options. He said your last drug was only a 25% success rate and you rocked it. You are just one of those people. He also said he was so pleased and amazed how much my tumors had shrunk. so, one day at a time. I have to get cat scans etc... I am going to try and do yard work today. May cook something special.
Went to southern art last night the new restaurant in the old pied de cochon spot. Not ba. Nouveau gourmet southern with a twist. I just think I like old southern the best. Maybe because I am a good cook. They had some nice charcuterie and some flavorful dishes, I think Bonnie's pork chop might have been the best. It was spicy with spiced pig ear on it. Not sure if I would
go back or not.my taste has gotten so picky with chemo. I have finally figured out what it is. I smell things more intensely but I can taste each individual item in things as opposed to all the favors marrying together... Sometimes... And it freaks me out.
Ok I am really babbling here, I have consumed too much of the life giving bean...peace

So sorry

JoAnn I so can relate to what you wrote. It seems we struggle to feel better and them we wait for the cancer or whatever disease to come back. For me Christmas seems far off and scary. You know I was thinking about this frigging disease and I just have too much to do to die. I am supposed to help my Mom when she gets older. Not out of obligation but because I want to. I am supposed to be an Aunt and spoil the crap out of my niece or nephew. I wanted a new career. I wanted to fall in love. I want to travel some more. I have a whole list, Ethiopia, Austria, Bhutan, myannmar, Nepal again, morocco again. Plus a host of other things. We will see how far I get. I want to give back In some way because so many people have helped me and it is Important to give back. Not particularly to those people but to the others....that need it.
I guess one thing I do is pray for a miracle everyday. I want to be one of those people that they say, "wow, we can't explain it, but all the cancer is gone!"
Ok that's enough for now, gotta eat breakfast and not think about this for a bit. I feel likeI am an alcoholic and instead of one day at a time, I have to go one hour at a time.

Ugh

Today is a hard day. I am waiting to go to the Dr. tomorrow and I am dreading what he is going to tell me. I am sad and scared. I have cried some today. I normally try not to but fuck..... Anyways,the thing that is the worst is I am still here. my brain is fine. physically I am back to normal. I feel good or well as good as I can for now, and then my drug craps out on me. my body is letting me down. i am trapped in my body and it is failing me because this thing in me is causing my cells to mutate.... you know you learn in Sunday school your body is your temple and I get that now. I am not my body. I am me and I am still here feelings and all and I have no control over this. So fucking unfair and I fight. i wish I knew how this happened or what caused it. But I don't... It has been almost a year since I started feeling bad. I guess I am lucky for this year but it has been a hard year. i felt bad. I was in the hospital 6 weeks total. I haven't done much except try and feel better. I have had some good days. Today is one of them. I am listening to the kids play and the sun is beaming in on the porch. There is a symphony of leaf blowers going. I hope that racket ends soon. I want desperately to start a project ie touch up floor canvases I painted for the porch or start a painting for the baby but I feel paralyzed and numb. So I sit in my chair with my handy companion and write nonsense on my blog.tomorrow will be another day and I will still be here with the same fears and the same sentence just a clearer understanding of how we will proceed. They said don't worry but they forgot they told me in jUly all the remaining treatments have a 20% success rate. Who the heck knows...Maybe some research has unearthed something. Daxol was mentioned before. A cousin of taxol it enters and cures at a cellular level. Problem is there is a shortage. there is a middle man that has been holding out on distributing taxol and daxol in an attempt to drive up prices and there has been a nationwide shortage. I think there is a very special place in hell for this guy. Who would jeopardize peoples lives and treatments like that....
OK gotta go'Peace

OKay... here we go

I am writing this blog on my computer because I am tired of looking like I am  uneducated on the ipad. This blog is going to sound a little snarky but what the heck..... There are 2 things that are on my mind today. One is "I can't". This phrase sends me into orbit and really annoys me. I have done everything. i have done things I don't want to, things I am scared of, things I don't agree with. I have made myself walk, I have made myself eat and drink. I have made myself pay bills, and a myriad of other things. Most of it was hard because I was sick. BUT I did it. So don't ever fucking tell me you can't. Everyone gets a pity party once in a while but to live your life that way is a big waste of time and it makes me really mad. how about... 'You can and you will.' Your will is the one thing they cant take from you. So get off your ass and do it.
The other thing that makes me irritated/ amused is the dying books. I know people mean well but come on.... Titles like "there is death in living" or 'Dying the ultimate growth" are so...... ridiculous to me. The people that wrote them aren't dying. They are trying to sound so prolific and inspirational. How about the title, "Shut the fuck up' or 'Try dying and then write a book' would be more appropriate. I know I am being bitchy but these books are designed to help, but they don't. Some are inspirational and give you a nice message or prayer for the day and that is fine. I like those books because they make you feel nice and encouraged, but to pontificate on a topic that you can't really talk about unless you are actually faced with dying is beyond me...... Ok I got that out..... phew.....
It is gorgeous out and I want to have a grat day. I am out of my "slump" for a bit and i hope to maximize this day....
I am slamming chores out and trying to get dressed.
Peace

throughout this journey

i guess the other thing wanted to say about cancer, and I mentioned it along time ago in a post, is that I am as fragile as a piece of worn tissue paper in some ways. i can't pony up and fight some things like I used to. If there is a problem with the insurance etc in my old days I would relish the fight. Now my stomach gets in a knot and I am a nervous wreck. I function but one thing i can' handle is mean people or yelling. I just don't have it in me and all i want to do is make it stop. I don't want to argue or anyhting...... Done. Throughout this whole process I have gained a new appreciation and understanding of the medical field. Especially the nurses trained for the bone marrow unit and oncology as well as all of the Dr.'s I have encountered except for 2. i have been shown so much compassion. i know dealing with cancer day in and day out is not easy but what is interesting is the dr's that aren't dealing with it daily. As i mentioned before I did not care for my first gyn onc and most recently my urologist who will remain anonymous but is a supreme dick head of the first order. I was snapped at barked at, and made to feel stupid and incompetent when I couldn't fire off all the reasons certain procedures weren't performed. Yet when I tried to facilitate the info for him and have my Dr. call him, he declined saying he was busy and had surgery the next day. That is the only time in my life I have been treated that way and too bad for him because he is fired. I am the client and I pay the bill not he other way around. So he can be the arrogant surgeon that he is, and treat the surgical nurses that way but not me. Ahhhh.... back to the good Dr.s, I think one might have to detach from some emotion to handle death and extreme illness but at the same time that does not mean that you have to lose a sense of kindness or caring and that is why I am so appreciative of all the wonderful people that have helped me. I am not just talking dr.s and nurses but also technicians etc. Even complete strangers on elevators have reached out and offered kind things to say to me and in turn, I have tried to offer encouragement to other people in the infusion center. UNfortunately we all are on different journeys but the commen goal is to fight and win. i just have lost some of my competitive spririt but I will get it back. My handy companion is right here trying to help me now.
Peace.

Cancer

The cancer is a part of me now. It has consumed me. Not in the physical sense but in every other area of my life. Financially,spiritually, socially, etc. I pray to get well. I'm on disability, I make food choices based on it. It affects my sleep. I can't travel right now. I can't be around kids, dr appt abound, and there is no break from it. As I mentioned before there willbe no nice remission period. And now the good drug ifosfamide that is saving me has caused franconi's syndrome in one kidney. The good news is you can live your whole life with one kidney. The bad news is we can't compromise the good kidney. So In a few months there is a chance my kidney can heal itself. We will check later. I was told in July there are 2 good options for treatment. One quit working. One damaged my kidneys. See my dilemma. My dr. Is working on a new treatment plan and we will discuss it on Tuesday. Meanwhile the wind is knocked out of my sails and I am not in the best mood. This was my good time before the next round. Not anymore...... It is always something with Stage 4 cancer and you can't get off the train..... It gets old. I remain positive but I just want a small break.
For some reason the phrase "It's a beautiful life" keeps echoing through my head. Where is my beautiful life? I had it.... And I did not even know it. Don't take yours for granted.

Taking a break

My blog has been a way for me to vent, keep people informed, and gain support. All in all it has been a good release for me and a way to communicate my feelings and convey information. I am going to continue to write my blog but i need a little break. Over the past several weeks I have gained momentum and have continued to feel better. Since chemo is cumulative, this last treatment was harder but I still managed to bounce back. It was harder this time. Really I am not eating and losing more weight. Although I love being thin now I am getting over this. Everyone is like, just get your pants taken up but it is not that simple.
I also am still very nervous about a relapse. This drug could quit working at any time. A friend was like you aren't going to go south. That isn't what my doctors say. I am going to have to stay on top of this the rest of my life. I will never have a nice remission period or a nice break. Since my cancer is so deadly and aggressive I will have to stay on top of it forever. Remember seed tumors the size of a piece of grit grew to the size of an orange in a month. I also had this happen to me before. They have told me I have to stay in touch with my abdomen so I can convey any changes I feel. It is critical for them to hit ti fast. It is life or death. I have 2 more chemo treatments and then we hope a maintenance chemo. The problem is, is there a good maintenance chemo. The one I am on is starting to damage my kidneys and it was the last good option. Statistically, there is a 17% chance I will be where in 5 years. I will continue to fight and keep a good attitude. I know this a difficult fight and these are difficult odds, but there is a reality here. I have to be prepared for this to go well or not.
I hope my appetite will continue to improve. Maybe it will hit today. i am just not in to any food. Nothing is appealing. I have forced food down the past week but it is not pleasant. For some reason, Indian seems to be ok. Weird Huh? Each cycle what I can eat varies.The one thing that remains constantly unappealing is greasy things. Like the butter laden trout they served me at Serpas the other night. Gross.
I am having a renal ultrasound today. No biggie, that is the least invasive procedure I have had.
Anyways the point of all this is I just need a little break. I have chemo in 2 weeks and I want to take this "good time" and try and be productive. Maybe paint or take a small trip and have a tiny break from it all. Anyways that is all for now.
Have a great day! Enjoy this gorgeous fall weather.
Peace

yo

My sister is here. All is right with the world. Ridley was playing hard to get for a bit. He was mad at her for being gone. I am flat on my back with bone pain from the nulasta shot. ugh! This time it is in my lower spine. I feel like my tailbone is broken. I have taken meds but i am still huting. Yuck. This usually lasts about 2 days. oh well. i had some insomnia last night and watched a bunch of tv. Leslie woke up and we watched tv together. Jaye is coming and i am disappointed I am hurting. Hopefully this won't last long. i wanted to do some fun activities... maybe Sunday.
OK no real news to report. Have a great day!
Peace

Up and at em

SO I found my laptop yesterday. It was buried in my office. By By ipad. I think you suck. Hello laptop, i have missed you! Dr. visit was ok. why do surgeons have to ask so douchey sometimes? Hurt my feelings.
Maybe I am sensitive right now.... bUT still. I am waiting for it to get light so my handy companion and I can go on a nice walk.
no other news really. I have this 2 1/2 weeks that I feel good. I have to get a bilateral ultrasound next week and then I think I want to head up to the biltmore. Anybody wnat to go for a day and maybe spend the night at graystone or the hotel on the grounds?
Call me.
OK that is ot for now. I have to get ready for the company!

Yay!!!!

My sister is coming!!!! I am so excited. I love my sister and we will have a jam packed weekend. We are going to register at some places thursday after I pick her up at the airport. I am having a baby shower so she has to pick the swag. Then Fri is whatever day and then my friend Jaye is coming on Friday. JAye has been my friend since 1968. We mey on our big wheels. We spent many summer afternoons at the oaks and of course making forts and playing with wrist rockets. Then there were countless hours of F troop, hogan's heroes, I dream of Jeannie. I used to love to go to his house because mom would not let us watch tv. Mrs. R would! SO we will have some fun too!
Leslie leaves on Sunday which is way too soon, but she will be back for her shower.
i am continuing to feel so good. I have a urologist appt today/ this chemo damages kidneys and bladder so they are monitoring me. I had some elevated creatnin levels, not too high. and i always have trace blood in my urine, but it has gone to some. i guess dr. w will count cells to see how much it has gone up. I imagine he will cystoscope me to look in the bladder i am just guessing but it would be logical to see if there was amy hemoraging in the bladder itself or if the benign polyps I have are bleeding more. Not being a dr. I am not sure but it would make sense to see if there was blood in my bladder as opposed to originating from my bladder. plus I know he can see where the ureters come in to the bladder and if blood is
coming from the kidney, you can see it if there is enough. It is actually pretty cool. I worked for a urologist back in the 80's. He would let me look. If blood is coming from one kidney, it is a sickle cell anemia marker. BTW your bladder is really vool looking. Creamy with a myriad of tiny veins. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to art school. The body did always fascinate me. Then I have a urologist appt on nov 8 the check out the kidneys too. Better safe than sorry.
Some days I just cry because I feel so much better.I have 2 more cycles of this and I hope we can then go on a maintenance chemo. The odds are very against me but not many 47year olds get this type of cancer. i am so happy I can do some of the small normal things I couldn't do for the past several months.I know my handy companion appreiaate it. He is bamming me with his paw while I am writing BECAUSE he wants a walk. I better take him. He can be kind of demanding and I of course reinforce bad behavior. That is ok. He has helped me through this and i have loved on him so much he is ROTTEN.
Have a great day
peace out

Bonjour, Comment ca va?

I am well Merci! I was cracking on Miss Minnie Jenkins the french teacher at SSMS. Does anyone remember her? She taught us the "poditive" articles... de, da la, des, and do. we learned french jive. I do a great imitation. Anyways I am about to explode to travel somewhere and I really can't afford it and I love france so i was thinking Quebec City might be a score if I can find some super cheap airfare. I have these 2 weeks in my cycle where I am "theoretically' supposed to feel good and I have got to road trip. Somewhere, Anywhere, although being a slight francophile, some french place might be best. I want to practice my ghetto french. I did pretty well in Paris and in Morocco. i am getting really frigging bored. I am not well enough to work quite yet. People want a longer commitment than I can give. In film it is hard to day play doing what I do because they hire a full time buyer for the show. So I will wait until Xmas to approach work. Meanwhile, I am going to try and kick some ass. I need to get the yard cleaned up. I am also going to make Jamaican jerk pork chops on the egg night. I saw this recipe on the today show. Although fish might be a better option. I still haven't tried a big piece of meat yet. i did try a hunk of venison but gave it to Dan. It was tooo ominous aand it scared my digestion. Okay I am totally babbling here. Gotta go face the day starting with this Nulasta shot. Yay !!! Bone pain will ensue just hopefully not for a few days.
Peace out!

Sunday Morning

Ok really this is like th best I have felt in 7 months. Even with 4 hours of sleep. I got home from the party. I was violently ill..... no I did not drink too much..... It was from chemo. This happened last time. I finally fell asleep at like 2:30 and then SOMEBODY was scratching on the door at 6 :30 to get back in bed and cuddle. Mom came and got him to go out and shut the door. He has been on his back snoring ever since. ridley is 2 today. we are going to Einsteins for a bagel when it gets light outside, Rid will have a doggie bagel. He loves those and some canned dog food as a treat. There is this great web site called www.dogfoodadvisor.com. It rates your dog food and tells you what is in it. luckily Rids food is good so I don't have to switch. It is not high in protein so I am going to augment with some canned for protein and as a treat. i use the newsman's own brand. All got top marks.
ANd the beauty is, you can get it at publix. So, I am not sure what else today holds. i want to do something fun. oh wait, I am going to the brookhaven art festival with Stella Jane. how fun is that. Harris and Stella JAne, my 2 favorite Ridley fans. HArris is 6. He just got his cast off. It was so cute. Little blue and orange cast. stella Jane is 8 now and she is so cute. Maybe we can take Rid to the festival. That would make her day. I am going on line now to check and see... MOre later

Sat cont

This was the best day. I went to the surprise Party for a bit. Got antsy. I am like that.changed clothes in the parking lot in franks van. Went to pce party. Saw so many people. It was great. I needed that. The best night I have had in a long time. The music was great. Doug was playing sax and Roger was playing trumpet. Lester and John kelly on guitar.... It was so nice... They rocked some stones covers. And some little feet!
Anyways it felt good to see some peeps I know for a change! Yay!

Saturday

Saturday on the whole, has turned out to be a great day. Took rid to the vet because he was chewing his bottom all night. He had some fleas. Got some cap star...
Then went by the farmers mkt at the cathedral on Peachtree. There was a food tasting. awesome. rid got photographed. Met some dogs. We sampled some great food.apparently the food that was my fav and the crowds fav was spotted trotter. look for their restaurant to open Nov 4. not sure where but this is delicious foodie food!!!!
Then... i bought some nice luchesse cowboy boots. I made the mistake of going into abbadabbas and you guys know I am a shoe whore for sure. Mrs.Marcos to be specific. But I did let some shoes go so i felt justified. I can't wear Chuck T's and Dansko clogs to everyting. These are some kick ass gorgeous boots. Going to a surprise party tonight but I an not wearing the boots to that. It is cocktail casual. Found some Taryn Rose wedges for $80 at DSW.... score. I know she went bankrupt last year but those would have been $390 at Neimans. Then there is the PC and E pig pull. wonder if they will let me in. i know i am not on the list. Gotta see some of my peeps. It has been a while.
Pk that is it for now. Just chillin with rid before all this party gets started.
Peace
Going anyway.

Hello World

I remembered my ipad keyboard today so maybe I won't look so uneducated or whatever. I like having the spell check on but i do not like how it substitutes words that have no relevance to what I am writing. you can't turn one of these features off for some reason. They are connected together. Anyways, I am sitting here at the infusion center. I had approx 2 hours of sleep last night. I am tired and wired. my handy companion slept with Granny but I heard scratching on the door at yep, you guessed it 6:20.
Soo any hooty, now I have sent urine off to the lab to see if I can have more chemo today.It will be good. Yesterday I sat up here for 9 hours. I am hoping it won't be so long today. i was going batshit crazy. Mom is going up to Lucies to get the last of the good tomatoes. Lucies is over where Sears used to be in buckhead. Over where the tire center is. SHe has fresh produce. Pricey but good, usually organic tomatoes, that beautiful fresh purple okra etc.
OK that is all for now. I am sure I will get cranked up about something later.
Peace

Go figure

I scheduled my chemo nice and early but my creatnin is up. Sooo I have to have iv for 2 hours, recheck creatnin, then if it is good, order chemo, the pharmacy is always slow soooooo I did not save any frigging time at all here. I will still get out late in the afternoon, and then I have to take the gross medicine 8 hours after so I will stay up really late to take this nasty medicine that tastes like airplane glue amd a moldy basement smells. Yuck! It is called mezna and it is like $1000 a dose. I hope my kidneys are ok because this chemo is my only option and if it is damaging the kidneys well..... Figure it out. It is always something at the infusion center. I guess this drug is stronger and more precautions have to be taken = more time!
It's not like I have a ton of other things I need to be doing besides killing cancer but you Guys know how hyper I am. Sitting for 9 hours is torture.
Ok cross your fingers or pray that the drugs are not damaging my kidneys and bladder and that the iphosfamide (sp) continues to work!

Helllooooo

Today was another good day. Got my progressive lenses for my sunglasses. Went and got bloodwork drawn. Chemo is on for tomorrow. Good news. At Mom's, just had a nice dinner and am going to chill out, watch some tv and get up at some ungodly early hour to go and sit for 7 hours. woot woot.
That's about all I have to say.
Will follow up in a day or 2.
Peace

Fucking Cancer

See the thing is, you have good days and bad days. You never know what you are gonna get. Sometimes you throw your lunch up for no reason. Sometimes you have random bone pain. Usually long bone but hips too. you have the percocette but you are torn. Do I ache or do I walk around loopy. you shouldn't be in pain because you can't heal but you feel like a loser when you are buzzed out on the sofa. Then there is the inevitable side effect of pooing gravel from the codiene. how could you be a jumkie and live like that?
The other thing is even if you are getting better you know there are little evil renegade cells in your body that are eventually gonna win and kill you. But, you have to fight them everyday. You have to hold your head up and think about winning because if you lrt yourself get depressed you might not get back up. It is not denial, it is fighting and it is fucking exhausting. Every day you wonder is this protocal gonna stop working. Are my kidneys gonna be damaged. Is this all gonna go away in 4 treatments and then maybe a maintenance chemo for the rest of my life? It is all in there floating around.
Doctors are great but they aren't god. Some of them think they are. Some of them are pretty real and those are the ones you want. If you ask other doctors about doctors they are pretty tight lipped and i get that. pay attention if there is a long pause.... it means something. Got it? Sometimes I question and argue. Sometimes I sit back and wait because with chemo you never know. Thank god we didn't put the peg in. I fought like hell to not have that. i didn't want to walk around with a bag of bile, gross. Kind of like the damg foley catheter bag, yuck.....
Anyways I am just thankful for this good time.
Peace

Rain Rain

So it is finally raining. Yay. My whole deck and my car were sticky with tree sap. Rid would go out and come back with leaves stuck everywhere. i hope this fixes that problem. I am tired and cranky and then I realized I have not had any caffiiene today. So ahhhhh I am drinking a nice refreshing glass of ice tea. i went and had some Jamaican food.... mon. Then i went to the big green egg store to get pecan chips and a plate setter so I can cook my turkey properly.... MMMMM . Prepping for tday while I feel good. i love that holiday and I love cooking for it.
Blood work tomorrow. No other news really. I got glasses today and  I think they are dorky but I have to get them from this place to get our deal with our insurance.i need to sunglass lenses..... $300 for progressives.  At least i got the regular glasses taken care of ..... sunglasses will have to wait.
Ok i am going to sit on the porch in the rain with a dog, a blanket, my tea, and my kindle and finish this book . i have got 3 more waiting.
Peace Out

Sunday

It's amazing how good I feel/ i have not felt this 'normal" in 7 months. I was able to do some yard work. small things. i fixed my landscape lighting. Walked the dog in the park. it is a great day and I am eating an organic honey crisp apple. YUM!!!! I love fall apples and especially the honey crisps. i love how good I feel for now and pray that this continues. I know this next chemo will be a little harder, number 4. It builds in your body and each one zaps you a little more. It's ok. I am a fighter and I will continue to try and kick ass.
i am planning on some reading this afternoon with my handy companion in my lap. He loves to get in the chair with me on the porch when I read. Sometimes he bams the kindle with his paw. Of course a tummy rub is in order at that point. He has me wrapped around his little paw! I took him to home depot today. The buggy made him very nervous. He loved his car ride and that was what I really wanted hmi to have since it has cooled off. I don't put him in the car except to the vet from MAy to Oct. Just too hot but the rest of the time, he is my errand dog.
Not much other news to report. I am sad about Steve Jobs passing. i love his quote and I am paraphrasing, How do you live until you know you are dying? So true. So relevant.
Anyways ponder that for a bit.
Peace

Bye E, I will miss you forever

Today is the one year anniversary of elvis' death. Elvis as in my beloved schnauzer. My angel baby. My cuddle muffin. He had cancer and I had to make a rather painful decision suddenly. He had been anemic but they had a special ultrasound machine at the vet that day and found a bleeding tumor on his spleen. I have wept alot over the past year. It is ironic that i got cancer too. elvis wasn't just any dog. I met him at Cumberland Mall pet store in August of 1998. i fell in love. He was a tiny baby just 7 weeks old. I went back to the mall around Thanksgiving, and there he was, still sitting in that fucking cage. I whipped out my master card and paid wayyyy too much to that store. I know Elvis was a puppy mill puppy but still..... He was born in Kansas City to a dog named Sweetie Pie. WHen we got E home his legs were atrophied. He had never been let out of his crate. He was impossible to house break, and he was terrified the first time i flipped himoverr to rub his tummy. We bonded a few days later and E was forever grateful that i rescued him. He was my handy road dog. He loved car rides. He also did not bark like most schnauzers.He was really mellow. He loved walks in the park and was terrified of my cat. He will always be missed. I never have loved one of my handy companions as much as elvis. BYE E........I will love you forever.

crap

My platelet count is too low to have chemo today. This happened last time so I guess we will have chemo next week. Bummer..... I m getting the transfusion now and waiting on lunch. Since Drew is at my house I will wait and go home tomorrow. I think I am going to make some kebobs and grill them tonight. Lamb kabobs and couscous and some green beans or some sort of veggie. Y know it is weird, I am not so in to the veggies since chmeo. salad is cool, greens and cabbage don't agree with my system. Cauliflower tastes weird and I am burned out on broccoli and asparagus. Never having been a fan of kale or chard, they are in the yuck category. Mustard greens are my very favorite along with spinach. Squash too, oh wait squash casserole is my fav. I will make that.
I am soooo frigging bored today. i think I have and hour or 1.5 hours left and then maybe I will take rid to Chastaion to walk. He will think that is awesome. or maybe we will walk around capital city for a bit. I am feeling peppy after this blood.
OK I will keep everyone posted on the latest and greatest news.
Peace......

Wed

Of course somebody woke me up Wayyyyyyy too early and then wanted a tummy rub and then proceeded to bathe himself at 6:30. We had a little talk.he is now licking himself downstairs with Granny. She has some angry news show turned up really loud. I escaped upstairs and am blogging and drinking chocolate milk.the nurse is coming to change the dressing on my central line at 8:30, then chemo and a blood transfusion today. It will be a long day at the infusion center. I have my kindle and my Ipad. I am armed and ready with electronics. I am also going to finish the details on leslie's baby shower.
All my hair fell out when I started chemo the first time. It started growing back and fell out again. The beauty is I do not have to shave my armpits or legs. Miss kitty looks pitiful. My head hair is starting to come back. My eyelashes and eyebrows are back. My nostril hair is not back so'y nose runs constantly but damnit the hairs on my chin never stopped. There is this one renegade hair that has kept popping up throughout this whole thing.... Well maybe 2. I am armed with tweezers.lol!
Ok gotta go shower now....
Have a great day!

wahooooo

i went to the Dr. this AM. He said the tumors in my lungs are mostly gone. There are a couple of 2 mm spots. This is great. All the other cancer is shrinking. He was really pleased. i mentioned how much I appreciated how he was helping me. i also mentioned how my original surgeon did not want to help me. He said, Ellen he probably didn't know how to help you. I wasn't sure if I could help you. I was soooo close to dying. I am better and I think we are going to do 4 more treatments of this regimen. I should be done by Xmas. I am relieved and excited. They mentioned it was my will and determination that got me through this. i know my handy companion St. Jude had a part in it too! And of course the big guy. I have been thanking him all day.
Ok just wanted to keep everyone posted.
Gotta run......
Peace.

hmmm

I called the dr. and they said all good on the cat scan. The dr. has to review and sign it before everything can be discussed.Sooo, i am relieved. Went to the mall and got a fluffy bathrobe. I am sitting in bed drinking gatorade, blogging, and rubbing my dogs tummy all at the same time. he is so cute that I just want to squeeze him. He just lays there with me and smiles and bams me on the leg for more loving. I think he is great. He knows I am getting better and he has been more demanding. Sometimes he brings me his leash. Sometimes he runs to the door and barks. It is all about tummy rubs and walks. Actually walks are his fav!
Mom is spinning around trying to balance her checkbook and trying to figure out what is for dinner. I am happy with cereal. I am really not hungry. I had indian for lunch and it was delicious as always. Love me some cafe bombay. well that is about it for today. Crap RIdley just stole my socks.... gotta go..

Happy Monday

this weekend was rather uneventful which is fine by me. mary brought me this cool rose quartz to me in the hospitals a while back and Lela turned it into a cool keychain. now i can have the quartz in my pocket. It is supposed to help heal. I am also supposed to wear pink. that is according to the lady at the hospital ho is in to energy work. I go to the Dr. tomorrow so i a, waiting here cautiously optimistic. a little nervous but i feel pretty good about it. The thing with cancer is you never frigging know.
i am trying to pack o get ready to go to Mom's house. Rid has been there for 2 days and i got to sleep in. I slept until 10 yesterday. it was heaven.
no other news really.
I will write tomorrow after i go to the dr.
have a great day. I am going to try and take rid on a walk in the park/ have to watch out for the copperheads. they are everywhere!

ahhhh

i just hosed off the deck. my elm is shedding leaves like crazy. now a little porch time. it is so frigging awesome out today. i cant stand it. tomorrow is my catscan to see how this chemo is working. i can tell it is working but i am keeping my fingers crossed. i go to the dr on tues and then chemo wed, th, and fri. i am spending the night at mom's tonight. easier to sleep in and drive 4 minutes t he hospital. i am zoo looking forward to getting off this drug and going on some sort of maintenance chemo.
i am stir crazy, still no reading for some reason. I have caught up with some old friends on the phone. That is always comforting because we have known each other for so long that it is just comfortable. i hope leslie comes down soon.
no real news... here is to a great day. i hope my energy is up!
peace

New week

I am really not uneducated or illiterate. The iPad substitutes random things. So irritating. I am having coffee on the porch. It is sticky out. I got my dates confused, the heating guy is coming today. Then some bloodwork. Then some chores and a walk with riddles.he is so frigging cute and he gets cuter everyday.
I can't read right now. Chemo brain to the max. Maybe it will clear soon.
I have so many good books waiting on me.
I a, hoping after the next chemo I can go see my moms friend ann and walk on the beach at edisto. I am not a hot weather beach person. I prefer to walk the beach in the mornings when it is crisp and cool. I am looking forward to that and maybe a visit into charleston. If not that, then a trip up to the biltmore. The leaves will be changing soon and I love the mountains in fall. I do not love the traffic.
I have a cat scan on fri and then a dr appt next tues the day before the chemo so we will really have the big picture on my status. That is about all the scoop.
Peace

Helloooo fall

It is chilly and I have on a sweater and the coffee and the iPad and I am on the porch. Since the tree was cut down there is not much squirrel or bluejay activity to watch. I do find bluejay parts on the ground since the cats have easier access to them. My neighbor feeds the birds and then her cats get them.
I am so glad the heat has broken and it is so nice to sit out on the deck and the porch.
I am hoping this pain goes away today because I have been so doped up on the meds I have not Been able to enjoy anything. I am hoping I can go down to the country and Take pictures today. I should know in a couple of hours. So far so good. In addition to the pain I have been nauseated and ill for the past week. Dinner was a problem last night. I have lost 4 more pounds. Crap. Usually breakfast and lunch are ok. We shall see.
I am tired of the sofa. I am tired of tv. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
My hair is growing back in. Only on the top so it is a jarhead kind of do. And it is white.cool.
hope everyone is having a great weekend. lots of football.go dawgs. geaux tigers. roll tide..... ok peace out. more later. sorry i don't have anything interesting to write.

New post

Sorry, I got slack. I was pretty punky for a few days. I have done things but I have also felt nauseated and exhausted. I stayed in my pj's all day yesterday and then went to dinner at soto soto. Yum! I woke up with massive back pain today and the bad part is it hurts worse laying down. I think I need Dr. Bob to crack my back.
Thank god it rained. It was so nice listening to the thunderstorm while I was laying in bed last night.
I got my counters resurface, repaired, and caulked yesterday. How awesome. It looks like a new kitchen. Any hooty, I just took a pain pill for my back and I am going to embark on a project here at home, just have to figure out what it is..... Or not.
Maybe I will make homemade pasta or get stuff easy for salvation army.
Have a great rainey day.
Peace

Morning

Finally I slept. I think the steroid from the treatment wore off. I feel so much better. I was a little loopy yesterday from lack of sleep.I think I fell asleep at like 9:30. I am leaving moms today. I feel much less nauseated. It will be good to be home. I am excited about the prospect of rain, the screen porch, and the 5 books I just downloaded on my kindle. Thanks lela, anne,and Andrew. Where to start..... I am so ready for some nonfiction.
This next 2 weeks is the time where theoretically I feel ok and I can get things done. Estes is coming to look at the heater that breaks 3-5 times a winter that they installed new 5 years ago. They keep giving me the little lady treatment, I got snarky and they are coming. My corian cracked and that is getting repaired. I am having the city take down a rotten tree in front of my house and a million other things. It feels so good to be clear headed enough to knock this shit out. Some days I couldn't do it if my life depended on it.
Plus I thunk rid and I can go on a long walk in the park. Or reasonably long. I haven't done that since feb. What a great day to walk. Even in the rain.... Ok gotta run.
More later......peace

This one is hard to write

I love to ride in the car with the windows down and the sunroof open and the iPod cranked. Today it was coldplay. For some reason coldpay makes me sad. Maybe it reminds of the time when We had the farm in rural Louisiana.maybe it is just that the lyrics are melancholy. Any hooty, it got me thinking. When you get sick, you have to fight. All day every day, if you don't, you die. You can't complacently sit there. Doctors are people, they are not god. And i question them. And they appreciate it sort of. If I had gone along with everything, i would be dead. Or in pain. You have to really communicate because they are not psychic. They have to know every detail to make an informed decision. So you have to advocate for yourself no matter how bad you feel.and you have to advocate with the hospital, and the insurance company, and the social security. And be sick, and fight, and make yourself get up and do things. People want to help, but they can't, not really."Cancersucks" I don't know how in the hell you got through this with small children. My hat is off to you.
I wrote more on this blog earlier and part of it got deleted somehow.
But really everyday you get up and think is this gonna be a good day? Am I gonna be here at christmas? will I get to meet me niece or nephew in March? I have to make it to then because I need to smell that sweet baby smell.
So the thing is i got up today and tried to do things today but it did not work. I am throwing up and my hips ache, i went to target but I had to come home. I am really nauseated and I really want to fight but I just don't have it in me today. So here is to tomorrow.
Peace

Sat

Got really sick in the middle of the night. Felt good today,went to my house. Went to the mall. I am at moms enjoying my pain pill. Got my disability and had taxes taken out so I am in good shape. I thought it would be difficult and everyone said you never get it the first time. I filled out forms on line. Went to the ss office the next day. 3 weeks later the money was put in my bank Acct. How hard was that? I guess stage 4 cancer is easier then a bad back. So... I am happy about that but the bad news is it isn't totally enough. But I am grateful.
My dog had social hour at the Laws this morning. Not only does he love their dog charlie, but he like toddlers too! The grandkids were there. Good boy rid.
Ok that's about it for today. Have a good weekend since it is finally cool.
Thank god. It was awesome out today.
Peace

Day 3

It took 4 fucking hours to get the chemo. Ugh. Pharmacy is soooo slow. But I got it. I have to take my mezna at 8:30 and now 12:30, which is why I am irritated.I have to take mezna 4 and 8 hours after treatment to protect my bladder.
I don't like having to stay up to take the meds. Oh well. There's nothing I can do. So I am going to mom's soon. Mrs. Laws and the chaplain here kept me good company for most of the time. Mom can't sit still so having her here is like having nobody because she gets fidgety and leaves. That's ok. That's just mom.
Mae is coming to get me and Ann made a nice quiche for us for dinner.mom is down in concord at the photography soiree. Rid will be happy to have mommy time. Such a great little snuggle bunny. He has lost all of his little puppy baby boy qualities and now he is a big boy. It kind if makes me sad. I have been so sick I kind of just let him go. I loved him everyday but I am not really alpha so much with him. Deep down I am but he loves mom, he was loving his auntie Leslie but she hasn't been coming to see him. He has lots of girlfriends in mom's neighborhood. Daisy and ging are his 2 fav girls. Charlie laws is his best bud. They play chase and lick each others faces.

Day 2

Today was day 2. It was good.I felt ok and went and had a pedi after and then had a decent dinner.mom's neighbor brought over some delicious teriyaki chicken with carrots and potatoes. So I ate. Had a great lunch too. CPK (California pizza kitchen) has just added this rockin roasted veggie salad. So now I am blogging. I am full of energy from the steroids.
My stomach is swollen which has me a little worried. It had gone down and now it is bigger. Not sure if it is swollen or if shit is growing again. I hope it is fluid!
Keep your fingers crossed.
Peace

Yo

Got the 1st dose. Went fine. I have to take mezna at 8 and midnight tom protect my bladder.a side effect of this drug is bladder hemorrhaging. And then there is the steroid buzz. I think I will be up all night.ugh.
So I am reading and watching tv. But it gets a little boring. Ok I have it again tomorrow-that's when it kicks in(nausea etc) ok gotta go.
Peace

Ya wait and ya wait and ya wait and ya wait

Name that tune. What show? Who sang it? $5 bucks to the correct answer. I am at the infusion center and I am waiting on drugs. I had the dressing on my pic changed. It itches like crap. The adhesive has been on my arm for a month and my skin is rebelling.I decided to write on the blog... I really don't have much to say. Kelly it was great catching up. Mrs. Laws, have a great weekend and happy birthday! Peggy,chin up! Leslie, relax and stay still!
I guess I will be here all day, I thought it might be quicker, but it isn't. Figures. Waiting on the premeds and then the chemo. Mom went to my house and to Hovan to get lunch. I gained 4 pounds because I know I am going to lose it this next week. I also started eating small amounts of meat. I just got too burned out on chicken and shrimp. Does anyone know the real scoop on soy proteins and cancer. I keep getting conflicting info.
I used to eat tofu and boca and the was told not to because it mimics estrogen in The body. Then I read articles refuting this and I am confused.
My ca125 is down to 21.5, wahoo. It was at 55 last time and it has been as high as 185. All the other levels are good.No transfusions this time.
Ok no other news.maybe more later.
Peace

Mornin y'all

Coffee on the porch.reading emails. Insomnia, yuck. I am whooped. Headed over to stay at mom's later today so I can be 5 minutes away from the infusion center. Chemo w, th, and fri. Sooo glad I am home now. I am feeling like the old me. Maybe a little tired but on the whole pretty good. I am ready to work a little but try and get some day play. It's like I am typhoid Mary. I couldn't get a day in the film business if my life depended on it. Fuck it. I know who will come through for me. I will know next week hopefully about disability. Not enough to live on, but enough to pay the mortgage and some bills. It sucks that you get taxed on it. Better than nothing. I have paid on ss so long, it is good to get some of it back.

I have gotten my yard and house in pretty decent shape. I have handled a lot of loose ends that were hanging out there for 6 months. It feels good to get things in order and get caught up. I can pick things up off the floor finally. I couldn't bend over since feb.
More later, time to ear breakfast, grits......Mmmmmmmm
Peace

Cancer

You just never know. I guess I have been so sick for the past 6 months that I did not think so much about my illness. Honestly, I laid there and thought about nothing. Now that I am better, my anxiety about my illness has cranked up. Getting the diagnosis was shocking. The taxol carbo platin not working was scary. The new tumors growing was horrible. Throwing up and almost dying was bad. The whole month of July was in the hospital. Now the tumors have shrunk and the new treatment is working. But it could stop at any moment. I pray it doesn't but it is a reality. Cancer does become drug resistant. It happened to me before in just 8 weeks. I have to take it hour by hour. Day by day. That is all I can do. But it does feel like I am trapped in my cancer. I can't plan anything right now. I wish i could.
Peace

Sat

I just woke up. It is chilly on the porch. My coffee tastes good. I am happy o be at home and anxiously waiting for chemo next week. Blood work on Monday. This has been a weird journey so far. I write on the blog is to keep people informed and to get stuff off of my chest. But some people want to keep questioning. They want more info this is not enough for some reason. They question the doctors. What part of this is my illness do they not get. Uncle. The other painful part about being sick is you see some people for what they really are and it is a little painful. But in the end it is good. I can't deal with some people's bullshit. Especially now. I am sure some of you have gone through this. you just have to write some people off.
I have to pay the insurance company $10,000 in penalties, don't ask. I looked into appeals etc but it is true. Now I am working with the hospital to see if they will write off or do a payment plan. Figures.....
On the bright side I was able to take rid on a small walk yesterday. I scrubbed the front steps, and vacuumed. I guess I will be able to work some right about the time disability kicks in. If they don't deny it.
Well I think I might attempt the Scott show.
For a minute. I miss filling up a 5 ton. I also miss the apple dumpling people that were at Lakewood. For that matter I miss Lakewood. It was so much better than Scott.
Ok have a great weekend. Peace

Today

Going home, so don't come visit or send large expensive gifts. My levels are low so we will take blood Monday and try again. Just as well. I can go to my house and be some more.
Sooo bummer, I wanted to get chemo out of the way but oh well. Oops iv team is here, gotta go. More later.....

Hospital

I checked in at north side at 9 am. They just told me I can't have Cheme because my platelet count is too low. Not low enough to have a transfusion. I hope it comes up tonight so I can have chemo tomorrow. Meanwhile I just ate a salad and am watching food network. The neelys irritate me. I brought 2 books but I am not in to them. I am bored. None of my favorite nurses are working today. I might be rebellious and unhook my iv and go down to the gift shop and buy magazines. They hate it when I do that. They like to unhook me. I sort of have a view. I can see buildings in the distance. Usually I see the side of a building so I have some sky and greenery. No other real news. Will keep you guys posted on any new developments. Maybe I will order some morphine and take a nap. Peace

A Day

I  was having a cancer day today. I am going to the hospital for treatment. I feel safer there. I am so fucking sick of this shit. The cancer could build a resistance to this drug. or not.... It does happen quite often. I have to live in this and it won't go away. Just good days and bad days. I thank god for the good days and just lay there on the bad days. I want my life back so bad and it just is not going to happen. It is such a gross feeling. And then there is the deep exhaustion. So deep in me that my bones ache. I sleep and rest but it never goes away. It's the cancer and the chemo. It's stage 4 cancer. Those of you who are going through chemo know what I am talking about. And you know what it is like being trapped in your cancer or any other bad illness ie kidney,blood disorder etc. I normally try to be up and not complain, I just am having a day today....... Tomorrow should be better,,, I guess, Jacked on steroids, I ask for morphine to take the edge off. ok.... going to go downstairs for dinner. Mom is making me corn on the cob. Peace

Today

Off to see the Dr. We will see if I  am checking on to the hospital for chemo this week. i am at Mom's and i am getting ready to leave. i feel like this is my last day of freedom. I will feel manic from the steroids in the chemo and I will have extreme difficulty waking up. Then i will feel queasy for a week after. OH well.  C'est la vie. It is lightly drizzling and chilly which makes me sooooo happy. I am wearing long pants and a sleeve. FAll is almost here. My favorite season. I am def going to catch the leaves changing in the mountains. I should rent a cabin at Lake Burton. Ok no other news. Just have to fight with Northsade, They did not call with in 2 days to precert me for my last stay and i got popped with a $5000 penalty. i just have to get the energy up to call the billing office and argue. Sucks. I also need to find out the right person. Any suggestions?
OK Peace.....