I am rethinking the blog thing. I wanted to keep everyone in the loop. I also needed to express my feelings. As a result I have gotten an amazing amount of encouragement and support. I have also gotten a lot of negative comments too. I have written about some of them. Some of them I have not. I have written how precious my energy is. I have tried to be the little trooper
The real story is I am hanging by a thread. Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night in a sweat drenched bed with your heart pounding and tears streaming down your face because you are going to die. Have you ever met with a stoic oncologist that basically tells you are toast. Have you had a million people call you wanting to tell you about their cousin with a totally different kind of cancer and think they know about yours.
Have you ever been cut open and had all your girl parts taken away and you have a nasty scar form your pubic mound to your rib cage that hurts. Have you ever laid in bed all day wondering if you have 2 months or 2 years. When you read about my kind of cancer, it really is not a good outcome. So maybe I am being Pollyanna but I have to be, I have to keep my positive attitude. I can't go down. Inside I am screaming and I really can't handle negativity because once again, it drains me. So maybe this blog was not such a good idea. It was really for me more than anyone else and it isn't feeling very good right now.
Thank you
I don't know if you're listening to the blog right now...just read both entries for today. Ellen, I love you, with all my good energy, and so do a whole lot of other people. We are trying to send you heart and soul...and there are a whole lot of us who will stand right dadgummed next to you all the way through your recovery, and then some. You have to throw away the bad - doesn't matter. delete, delete..you are bigger than that, and if you when you need some help hearing it... call. You know we are here....
ReplyDeleteThank you Marivee, I second that!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry that you are going through everything you are. I had breast cancer in 2004, but my experience is much different than yours so I won't try to compare. I did have Taxol as one of my chemo drugs and it does do a number on your hands, arms and feet. I had a lot of numbness and tingling and slept at night holding a squishy pillow to keep my wrists and arms from hurting. My hair however did start coming back while I was taking Taxol. (I had taken Adriomycin/Cytoxin first) It was all temporary though - so worth it to me.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say - just post when you feel like it - this is for you and you should only do it if it provides some comfort. I just can't imagine anyone dumping negativity on you, but then I shouldn't be surprised - people can be mean and thoughtless. Try to not stress over anything that upsets you and know that many of us will be sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
Thanks y'all. I am just fragile and it is amazing. I am so not the person I was 3 weeks ago. I am learning everyday.
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ReplyDeletePlease don't stop blogging - I'm being selfish here, but it lets me know that you are fighting, thinking, hoping, and importantly: sharing your pain, not keeping it all inside - you are a human being Ellen and so many people really do care about you - from many of the comments here, it seems obvious that you have a lot to say - and I think that you can be incredibly profound at times. So, don't stop if you can help it. That's all I can think of to say in response to your post.
ReplyDeleteI'm tracking with you Ellen! I can't imagine how this whole experience must feel, but it isn't surprising that you feel different now than you did three weeks ago. Every hard season seems to mold and shape us, so just go with it. Keep trusting the Lord and lean into Him.
ReplyDeleteIn the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. Romans 8:26
hey baby. Reading your blogs and sending you all the most positive and supportive thoughts. I have a lot more of those these days ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd I second what marivee said. You are bigger than that - disregard em.
xo
krystal
Thanks Katie. And Krystal thank god you are out of the factory! You have your life back yay!!!!!!!!
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