In the hospital

I am in the hospital. Leslie is going to post for me tomorrow. I haven't felt good. Sorry I haven't posted. Leslie knows everything. I had a bad chemo reactin and we are trying to get my creatnin down to rule out a pulmonary embolism. I had peri synthesis to drain my abdomen. There was no fluid in my lungs. That is pretty much it in a nut shell.

More Christmas

It's a stay in bed and eat pain pills kind of day. A neighbor brought over some turkey and mashed potatoes, carrots, dressing, sweet potatoe, and broccoli rab.delicious. I kept some down. I am grateful for the kindness of our neighbors. Anyways, it sux I feel bad but this has all in all been a Nice day. My little dog has stayed curled up at my side. I have gotten a million merry Christmas texts. I have talked to old friends. I have hung with Mom. Ok peace...

Christmas Day

I hope every one is enjoying their morning. I am laying here sipping Gatorade. We opened presents and had some sausage rolls. Ridley was fascinated and wanted to help unwrap everything. It's kind of peaceful upstairs. I can hear the rain and it's making me sleepy even though I just got up. I feel a little better today but my stomach is still big and sore. I am thankful for this Christmas and I am thankful to be alive today. Dr. Jenkins told me I would not be here. I wouldn't be if I continued under hs care. I am thankful that we are having a simple Christmas and not some big production. I didn't make it to mass yesterday. I am not going today but I did thank god for everything. All I can do. Friends will come by later. A neighbor is bringing some lunch over. All in all it's going to be a great day Lucky me.
Ok merry Christmas everyone. Take a moment to reflect on your year and be thankful for what you have. Don't take anything for granted because it could be gone in a second. Peace.

Later that day

Well my tummy is sore but I am not as sick today. I am taking alot of pain med and it is helping. I just ate some chocolate soft serve yogurt with fresh raspberries. It was delicious but unfortunately the cold is making my stomach sore. I want to start the next chemo so bad. The tumors hav grown so much the past few days and it looks like I am pregnant now. Dang it. I can walk around some and I do feel better but I get really tired and winded when I get up. There was so much I wanted to do and couldn't. I love to make cookies for people every year and I just couldn't this year. It's my standard gift.

Peace

Merry Chrima

Merry Chrima as Leah Sawyer likes to say. I was asleep but for some reason Mom thinks it is ok to walk in the room and just start talking to me. She asked me what I wanted for breakfast. Jesus. I am sipping on a coke. I don't think we will be doing much today. I am not sure if I feel better or not. I would like to take a little drive but I am not sure if I am up for it. My stomach is sore. I hope I can eat a little breakfast. Eating yesterday did not work at all. It was violent. It hurt. My stomach was a wall of pure acid. Mom brought me a milkshake thinking that wold be a nice treat. My stomach protested. I am so sick of this. You have no idea. I don't need to lose any more weight. I need to be building my strength for this iphos. At least they gave me the blood transfusions and the k so that built me up some. I think I feel ok today. I have not stood up. Yet. Any hooty.... I hope everyone has a great day today and tomorrow and enjoys their families and doesn't lose focus of what this is all about. Families get nutty this time of year and it's crazy but don't buy into it of you can help it. I am trying not to. Maybe I will even make it to the 5:30 mass today. If I go to st. Luke's they have this great kids nativity every year. If I go to the church I grew up in, I think it might be kind of empty but I like the priest. Hmmmm. Decisions decisions.

Hospital

Went to get labs yesterday which led to fluid which led to the ER which led to an ER admit which led to me getting to my hospital room at midnight. I am npo which means I can't drink or eat. Dang it. I had about a million bags of k because my electrolytes are off. They just came in and cross typed which means I am having a blood transfusion even though they haven't said it. My Blood pressure is low so I can't have pain meds.... Yet! So i am in room 343 if you want to come by. Northside hospital. Let the holidays begin!!!!. More to follow.

Wednesday

So I am still at Mom's house. I feel better today. They did not drain the fluid and my stomach is still poochie but all in all so far it is a better day. I just ate a fried egg sandwich and drank a glass of milk. So far it has stayed down. My stomach is really loud today! I slept last night and that was awesome. I slept until 8. I feel rested. I hope we stay on track because it has been a rough few days and I am over that. I might go home this afternoon. Ridley is at the groomers getting a bath. Mom thought he was stinky. I didn't. He is a dog! This crazy grooming woman puts little bows on his ears. Ugh.... Ok well here is to a great day. Hope you have a good one. And when you are eating your lunch just be grateful that you can!

Tuesday

I fell asleep watching tv last night and woke up at midnight and could not go back to sleep. Watched knocked up. What a dumb movie. Watched diners drive ins and dives. Drank gatorade. Went back to sleep woke up at 6 to eat and drink something before my procedure. Can't eat or drink after 7. Procedure is at one but I have to be at hospital at 11. Boring. No biggie I just have to wait and wait. I know I will feel better. The iv fluids and the potassium helped yesterday. Fucking tumors..... Anyways I think I will go back home today. It will be nice to get a few things done. I have a lot of paperwork to organize. I think I might have some medical write offs. I only paid the deductibles and office visits and drugs but since I made so little I might be in business. Who wanted the gumbo recipe? It just said anonymous. Email me or give me your email address and I will give it to you. I have a Cajun gumbo I make and I have a Mississippi delta gumbo with okra and seafood which is awesome. I know alot of people don't like okra but this gumbo is good. My aunt edwina makes it and everything she makes is delicious. She can even make liver taste good. Go figure. And I hate liver. I really hope draining my tummy works because I want to pig out on Christmas. I may even eat some meat. Just a Few bites but the thought of some juicy beef tenderloin or a succulent lamb chop is driving me crazy. I haven't eaten hardly any meat in a year. I did have a hamburger and it was delicious but i paid dearly for that. I think I also had some sort of stewed lamb at an Indian place and that was ok. When I eat Asian there are small amounts of pork in dumplings and things. That doesn't seem to bother me. My friend gave me the name of this Szechuan place in doraville I am waiting to try. The minute I feel better i am there. Ok enough about food.
Peace out.

Monday

Got through the weekend.Felt bad. Threw up. The usual. Going later to get a liter of fluid and tomorrow I will get the fluid in my stomach drained. I have ascities where the tumors weep fluid and make your abdomen distended. Ugh. They literally stick a tube in your stomach and drain the fluid in to a bottle. They actually ultrasound to see where to stick it. Sooo that is my big week. What about you guys? Ready for Christmas? Shopping done? Menu planned? I hope everyone is making some delicious food. I would love to enjoy it vicariously. I Have had some invitations to go to friends and neighbors and I am excited about NOT cooking. Thanksgiving cooking is my thing. Although I might have to make the gumbo Christmas eve. That is kind of a tradition. Seafood gumbo. Mmmmmm. Ok have a great day.

Here is to a new day

Thanks for putting up with me the past few days. The worse I feel the crankier I get. Then there is the cut off point where I feel so bad I get complacent. I didn't get that bad. Thank god! I am sipping on my coffee and I am planning my day. I had fun with Vera yesterday and maybe I will see her again today. I might see another friend but I doubt it. He has been really sick this week. I need to go to the farmers market but I am not sure if I am up for the crowds. I just want to get some organic fruit but I may just bite the bullet and go to whole foods. Hopefully I can eat a little today. I managed to eat some soup and salad from maggianos yesterday. I love their chopped salad. They were a little skimpy on the avocado though. Mom has Ridley and it sure is mighty lonely. On the other hand I slept in. Somebody did not bunny hop on me at some ungodly hour. Lately he has been testing the waters at 4:30. Geeeez. I make him go back to sleep. I know one thng..... I am going no where near the mall. I can say that with absolute certainty. Ok well enjoy your weekend. I am.

Boobies

I got my diagnostic mammogram today. The boobies are good. Yay! I feel a little better but my stomach is still swollen. I am chilling in front of the tv. Excited about the boobies!

Good am

Maybe today will be a better day. Not sure yet. somebody let me sleep until 7. I told him he was a good boy. I am sipping on my coffee and as long as I don't eat, it will all be ok. I have to eat. I am either going to make a fruit smoothie or some eggs. Eggs seem kind of gross. Actually soft boiled or poached seem better. Soft things are where it's at. I am less cranky because I feel a little better today. My stomach is still pooched out but I am not in so much pain. My friend Vera came in town last night and she is taking me to get my mammogram and then we are going to hang out. Yay! I am excited about seeing Vera especially since she is not on a show so we can really relax and catch up. We met on a movie in 1993 in ponte verde. Samantha the teenage witch, mr. Roper from threes company( Norman Fell) Joanna Worley, and squiggy from Laverne and Shirley were in it. I was the on set dresser and watched the director of photography fall off of the process trailer during a driving shot. He landed on his head and became brain damaged. I used to go down to Florida and work all the time. I miss it. I shot with Vera in st. Augustine for a month. We were in the fort. We shot another movie in fernandina. That was fun hitting the beach before work. Actually I think that movie was with Joe. I used to love to work in Florida.I need another little beach trip. Ok here is to a great day. Maybe just maybe I can muster up the strength to take Ridley to the park. Ok peace out.

Dang dang dang

I still am throwing up. My stomach hurts. My fentinol patch fell off and I did not know it so I put a new one on and I feel a little better. I did not keep supper down and I have been in bed all day. The tumors have grown. The new drug is not working and I can't have chemo next week. We have to wait another week to get the adriamyacin out of my system. So my stomach is distended and it will continue to grow. I did get my fridge fixed today. The heat people are coming Monday to fx the furnace an dedicate a circuit. Hopefully that might solve it. I doubt it. Mom went to the store today for me. I tried to get her to help me do some chores but she did not want to. I swept and mopped the floor myself. All she could do is bitch about the dog. Fuck it. I am sick, dying, and I can't deal with nagging and bullshit. I am going to be gone and she is going to wish she took the time to sit down and talk to me. She never has. Not during this whole illness not once has she sat and watched tv with me. Not once has she asked if I am scared or how I am feeling. If I am in the hospital, she makes up things she has to go do that don't matter. I have begged her to get therapy but she hated the therapists. Uncle. I give up. Her loss. I can't deal. Gotta take care of myself and keep moving on even if it means spending Christmas by myself. I can't deal with non communication and passive aggressive games or the perpetual victim role. Mom complains to her friends and they side with her but there are 2 sides to every story. Keep that I mind. I love mom but uncle.......Leslie is there for me and she gets it but she isn't here. I wish she was. I love her with all my heart and she has done so much for me. I could not get through this without her. I am so glad I have my sister. she is my rock.

Ouch

Last night was horrible. My stomach hurt so bad and the pain Pills weren't working. It might have been a combination of gas and acid. I was fetal for 12 hours. Mom keeps nagging me about getting the dog bathed. As if I fucking care about that right Now. She just doesn't get it. I vomited everything I ate yesterday I had my cat scan. Results today. My stomach is sore and tender today and I am in bed waiting for the heating repair and the refrigerator repair people to get here. I have had an ongoing problem with my furnace nobody can solve. They are bringing the house electrician in today and to see if he can figure it out. If not, we go to amana. My fridge thawed out the other night. I reset the control panel and it cooled back down but still. Something made it shut off. What the heck. Anyways, I think I will just take it easy today. I need to get some more milk so I might run out for a bit but I am not sure with this tummy today. At least so far it is a better day than yesterday. I have my handy companion by my side even if he is a little stinky. He is a dog after all. He hates the iPad and bams it with his paw to get me to pay him attention. Spoiled rotten! like right now!

Poopie

I feel like crud. I took sme Pepcid and some nausea meds last night and that helped. I am drinking coffee and will dose up again in a bit but now I have a really bad abdominal pain near my hip. Dang.... not as bad when I lay down. Hurts when I walk. Rosie, my nurse is coming to change my central line dressing and she will have an opinion! I talked to Cecelia in Dr. c's office and they might move my cat scan up so he can read it before he leaves town. I am supposed to go to lunch with an old friend today, I hope I feel up to it. Meanwhile me and my handy companion are chillin on the bed. I am drinking coffee and waiting for this pain pill to kick in. Here's to a better day! JoAnn, if you still read my blog what was that drug you really liked that helped you with the sickness? I know you mentioned it before. Thanks.

Good morning

I wrote a rather negative blog about Christmas, and then I deleted it. I sounded like a big fat whiner. Christmas this year is depressing for me. I will be sick from the chemo and throwing up. Cecelia said this 3 rd cycle will probably kick my fanny sooooo..... Good times. I am not going to go into all the other things I wrote. Christmas can be depressing and emotional for some people. For some reason, a lot of emotion gets stirred up around this time. This is the time of year my Dad and Grandmother died and yearly I reflect upon this. Maybe it is the grey sky and the cold. I really don't want to get depressed this year. My fight is so tenuous and I need my strength to try and get well. The eating part is bad enough. Anyways, I think now is a time to reflect upon what we have and what we are thankful for. I for one am glad to be alive another month, or week, or day, even if it is a bad day sometimes. It is so strange to think of life in terms of these small fragments and small actions as opposed to a larger picture with goals and outcomes. But it is all I can deal with. So this week should be pretty good. Just a diagnostic mammogram because I found some small lumps in my breast. I think they are cysts. I hope they are cysts because I just can't deal with the girls getting cut on right now. Actually I am a little terrified. At least the bone scan went ok. Now this. Always something..... Fun fun fun..... Ok peace

Insomnia

Watched Margin call last night. Ok movie. Kevin spacey was good. Fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night. The only thing on was pimp my ride... Soooo that is what I watched. Dude. Now I am sipping on coffee contemplating my day. I really need to go to the grocery store. I really don't want to. My legs are on fire when I walk. Maybe I will use the scooter but I hate that shit. I wish Leslie was here so she could just push me around in the wheelchair. We could do whole foods in 10 minutes. It will be fine. I talked to Guy yesterday, it has been one year since his Mom died. So I have to write one for Ginny,his Mom. I loved her. Ginny was a tough Little cookie. The first time I met her, Guy sent me over there and I was priming the new French doors in the den. Cutting all the mullions inside and out took quite a while, and the entire time I was painting Ginny was frying bacon. The smell was torture. Finally I went in the kitchen to take a little break and get a glass of water and there were 6 cookie sheets Full of bacon. Holy crap. That was when she explained that she and Bessie made food everyday for the dialysis patients at Grady. Every day. Out of their own pocket. See the Tuttles are givers. Dr. Tuttle was a kidney doctor and treated people, alot of times for free. Ginny fed people, dialysis patients, homeless people etc. Many days I would stop by and there would be mountains of sandwiches or huge bowls of chicken salad on the island.
I miss sitting with Ginny and Bessie in the kitchen. Usually the tv was on, and something yummy was being made. Soup....yum. Her chicken salad was the best ever amen. The little cheese cookies, I would die for one. Anyways Ginny passed right before Christmas last year and I know this is a sad time for the Tuttles. You guys had a very special Mom. I love you Ginny....Merry Christmas. Peace out.

Addendum

I went to meet Lela near Buckhead, tooo crowded. I ate at the big easy. So good. Then of course it came back up dangit. Then I bought some new jeans that fit. I am running out of sizes here. Then I spent a crapload at the channel counter. Just had to be done. New make up is always nice. Then ate a second lunch. It stayed down. WhY can I not eat a bowl of gumbo and a nice oyster poboy and a small tossed salad BUT I can keep down a dairy queen chili cheese dog? WTF? Chinese was a disaster last night. Hmmmmm I think I will just skip supper. I just got home and blew off the grocery store and I am laying on the sofa contemplating a mug of hot chocolate with a little baileys. I know I know. I haven't been drinking because I am paranoid about the chemo,and alcohol,but a nice slug of baileys sounds yummy, or even a nice white Russian. Mmmm any hooty maybe there is a kick ass movie on tcm. All I know is I had a pretty decent day and mom came and got my handy companion and it is super lonely without him!
Peace

Ahhhhhhh

I slept until 8 practically a miracle since my handy companion wakes up at 6:30. He let mommy sleep late. He is also stuck to me like glue. I am trying to blog but he keeps Bamming me with his paw. God I have spoiled this dog. Probably more than all my other ones but Leslie and mom did not help the situation. I am sipping on the life giving bean... Nectar of the gods. Mmmm. I put some cinnamon in my coffee today. Perfect. I think I feel good today and I have a friend coming I haven't seen in a really long time so that will be fun to catch up. Since I got sick I have talked to a few people from the distant past and it has been nice reconnecting with old friends. Usually we just pick up where we left off. There is something comforting about people you have known for a good chunk of your life, because you don't have to play the bullshit. It just is. Well y'all know with me, what you see is what you get pretty much. Well all except for the fact that I am outspoken AND opinionated and sometimes I still can't speak up like when it comes to sticking up for myself. Not at work so much but with friends etc. ugh why am I going off on this tangent.... Anyways, I think it is going to be a great day today. I hope I have the strength to take rid on a walk in the park but I think my potassium is low. I haven't had great strength in the past few weeks. Honestly I think 9 rounds of chemo, 12 blood transfusions, 7 catacans, 1 bone scan, 2 mris, 1 endoscopy, 4 perisintesis, and constant worry are starting to take their toll a little bit. Not to mention the fact that I can't Eat supper with this drug. I am losing more weight. My size 8' s are falling off. There was a time I would relish this but not now. Anyways, here is to a great day and a great weekend. Thanks for all the fb posts that was an overwhelmiing response to my fb post. 70likes and like 50 comments. Geez.... What would I do without support? Ok peace out
Here is your playlist for today.... These songs make me feel good in the car
Shawn lee ping pong orchestra... Kiss the sky
The decemberists..... Down by the water.
Oasis...wonder wall
Outkast.... Playas ball
Cotton jones....gotta cheer up
Coldplay.....hardest part

Hell to the yeah!

i mentioned in a previous blog that there was a spot on my spine on my L4. i was scared. i had a bone scan. there is no metastatic bone cancer anywhere in my body. they think i had a small fracture and that the zometa fixed it. i dont have to take the zometa anymore. i don't have to be a part of the bone study. life is good. this has been weighing on my mind and i am relieved that i can let that one go. i went to lunch with a friend today and then hung out at home. my dinner did not agree with my constitution so i am sipping water and wondring what in the hell i can eat.... hmmmmm.... rid is snoring at the end of the bed. my show, prime suspect, comes on at 10. maybe i will crash before then. all i know is i am so excited to be cancer free in the spine! lets hope everywhere else before too long! ok, that about sums it all up.... peace out.

Thou doth protest too much!

My stomach that is.... Oh lord this adreamiacin is kicking my ass. I have thrown up sooo much. I did keep a good amount of food down yesterday. The nausea is still here so I have taken the zofran and Pepcid is my new best friend. I have never had so much acid. Uncle..... I do feel better than I did but still... This is getting old. I got my teeth cleaned yesterday. That was amazing. Today is a bone scan and I found a lump in my breast so I am having Cecelia look at it and then I am sure a mammogram. Cross your fingers it is a cyst. More later I guess..... No other real updates.

Dim sum

Dim sum it was yum. Saw frank ma. Love him. Saw the grand kids. Adorable! Now I am chilling in bed. I am contemplating the week. Ready for what is next. Went to perimeter. Bought a few outfits. Actually a skirt and sweater and a long fluffy sweater. Looked at baby clothes. God bloomies had some really gross and tacky crap for kids..... I think my bone pain is kicking in....ugh.... My handy companion is next to me and I have the hiccups. Nothing else to report. My stomach is growing..... Maybe it will start shrinking....who knows.

Bubble bubble toil and trouble

My fucking stomach..... Is it tumors, is it the drug? Who the heck knows. I am so sick of throwing up. Ugh..... Anyways, I feel pretty good today, hoping all the illness is behind me.Ready to get out for a bit. Maybe tackle Lenox for a bit. Going to my house to get the air mattress and pack up Leslie's gifts I scored for her. Then... We will go to the mall. Ate a little breakfast today... Ready for lunch. I am thinking Asian. Wonder if les will go for it. Dim sum perhaps. Any hooty.... If not dim sum maybe a succulent ban Xeo crepe at chateu de Saigon. Yum! Or perhaps some delicious noodles with shrimp and tofu, a cha gio( egg roll) and some delicious mango cucumber and shrimp salad with cilantro. Mmmmm... I think it is going to be a good food day because I am getting excited about Vietnamese food. Although dim sum rocks too. Love the shrimp with sugar cane and the fried jellyfish. Sticky rice with chicken and ginger in a banana leaf is pretty good too but rice doesn't do well for me at this point. Decisions decisions.... All about the food. I think I lost another 5 pounds this week. Gotta catch up.!
Ok peace

Baby Shower

Leslie's shower was a lot of fun. The food was good. She got a lot of nice gifts, and everyone really enjoyed themselves. I am so excited about being an aunt and I am so glad I was able to do this for her. I got to see Leslie's godmother who I haven't seen in 30 years! Mollie, I love her. That was a treat! I managed to keep food down and that is good. I was not sure. It has been touch and go today. I thought it was the drug but I am sure it is the tumors.
Just wanted to write a quick post. More news tomorrow!

Sooooo

The chemo went ok. I had lunch and got in bed. Man was I sick. It started with a wicked heartburn and i was violently ill last night. The steroids had me jacked and I couldn't go to sleep. So mom woke me up, of course. She just gets tired of me sleeping and marches in the room talking. So i am sitting here debating on if I should go back to sleep. I probably can't now. Ok more later. Need some coffee. Actually I just went downstairs and drank a coke and ate some grits. Not the best choice. Now I am sipping water listening to my stomach gurgle. Leslie will be here in a few hours. Yay! And that about wraps it up. Hope I don't become ill today. Hope this illness is chemo related and not because of the tumors have grown so much. Can't deal with that again..... Well I gues I am. I hope this adryamiacin kicks butt this week. Ok peace!