ahhhh

i just hosed off the deck. my elm is shedding leaves like crazy. now a little porch time. it is so frigging awesome out today. i cant stand it. tomorrow is my catscan to see how this chemo is working. i can tell it is working but i am keeping my fingers crossed. i go to the dr on tues and then chemo wed, th, and fri. i am spending the night at mom's tonight. easier to sleep in and drive 4 minutes t he hospital. i am zoo looking forward to getting off this drug and going on some sort of maintenance chemo.
i am stir crazy, still no reading for some reason. I have caught up with some old friends on the phone. That is always comforting because we have known each other for so long that it is just comfortable. i hope leslie comes down soon.
no real news... here is to a great day. i hope my energy is up!
peace

New week

I am really not uneducated or illiterate. The iPad substitutes random things. So irritating. I am having coffee on the porch. It is sticky out. I got my dates confused, the heating guy is coming today. Then some bloodwork. Then some chores and a walk with riddles.he is so frigging cute and he gets cuter everyday.
I can't read right now. Chemo brain to the max. Maybe it will clear soon.
I have so many good books waiting on me.
I a, hoping after the next chemo I can go see my moms friend ann and walk on the beach at edisto. I am not a hot weather beach person. I prefer to walk the beach in the mornings when it is crisp and cool. I am looking forward to that and maybe a visit into charleston. If not that, then a trip up to the biltmore. The leaves will be changing soon and I love the mountains in fall. I do not love the traffic.
I have a cat scan on fri and then a dr appt next tues the day before the chemo so we will really have the big picture on my status. That is about all the scoop.
Peace

Helloooo fall

It is chilly and I have on a sweater and the coffee and the iPad and I am on the porch. Since the tree was cut down there is not much squirrel or bluejay activity to watch. I do find bluejay parts on the ground since the cats have easier access to them. My neighbor feeds the birds and then her cats get them.
I am so glad the heat has broken and it is so nice to sit out on the deck and the porch.
I am hoping this pain goes away today because I have been so doped up on the meds I have not Been able to enjoy anything. I am hoping I can go down to the country and Take pictures today. I should know in a couple of hours. So far so good. In addition to the pain I have been nauseated and ill for the past week. Dinner was a problem last night. I have lost 4 more pounds. Crap. Usually breakfast and lunch are ok. We shall see.
I am tired of the sofa. I am tired of tv. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
My hair is growing back in. Only on the top so it is a jarhead kind of do. And it is white.cool.
hope everyone is having a great weekend. lots of football.go dawgs. geaux tigers. roll tide..... ok peace out. more later. sorry i don't have anything interesting to write.

New post

Sorry, I got slack. I was pretty punky for a few days. I have done things but I have also felt nauseated and exhausted. I stayed in my pj's all day yesterday and then went to dinner at soto soto. Yum! I woke up with massive back pain today and the bad part is it hurts worse laying down. I think I need Dr. Bob to crack my back.
Thank god it rained. It was so nice listening to the thunderstorm while I was laying in bed last night.
I got my counters resurface, repaired, and caulked yesterday. How awesome. It looks like a new kitchen. Any hooty, I just took a pain pill for my back and I am going to embark on a project here at home, just have to figure out what it is..... Or not.
Maybe I will make homemade pasta or get stuff easy for salvation army.
Have a great rainey day.
Peace

Morning

Finally I slept. I think the steroid from the treatment wore off. I feel so much better. I was a little loopy yesterday from lack of sleep.I think I fell asleep at like 9:30. I am leaving moms today. I feel much less nauseated. It will be good to be home. I am excited about the prospect of rain, the screen porch, and the 5 books I just downloaded on my kindle. Thanks lela, anne,and Andrew. Where to start..... I am so ready for some nonfiction.
This next 2 weeks is the time where theoretically I feel ok and I can get things done. Estes is coming to look at the heater that breaks 3-5 times a winter that they installed new 5 years ago. They keep giving me the little lady treatment, I got snarky and they are coming. My corian cracked and that is getting repaired. I am having the city take down a rotten tree in front of my house and a million other things. It feels so good to be clear headed enough to knock this shit out. Some days I couldn't do it if my life depended on it.
Plus I thunk rid and I can go on a long walk in the park. Or reasonably long. I haven't done that since feb. What a great day to walk. Even in the rain.... Ok gotta run.
More later......peace

This one is hard to write

I love to ride in the car with the windows down and the sunroof open and the iPod cranked. Today it was coldplay. For some reason coldpay makes me sad. Maybe it reminds of the time when We had the farm in rural Louisiana.maybe it is just that the lyrics are melancholy. Any hooty, it got me thinking. When you get sick, you have to fight. All day every day, if you don't, you die. You can't complacently sit there. Doctors are people, they are not god. And i question them. And they appreciate it sort of. If I had gone along with everything, i would be dead. Or in pain. You have to really communicate because they are not psychic. They have to know every detail to make an informed decision. So you have to advocate for yourself no matter how bad you feel.and you have to advocate with the hospital, and the insurance company, and the social security. And be sick, and fight, and make yourself get up and do things. People want to help, but they can't, not really."Cancersucks" I don't know how in the hell you got through this with small children. My hat is off to you.
I wrote more on this blog earlier and part of it got deleted somehow.
But really everyday you get up and think is this gonna be a good day? Am I gonna be here at christmas? will I get to meet me niece or nephew in March? I have to make it to then because I need to smell that sweet baby smell.
So the thing is i got up today and tried to do things today but it did not work. I am throwing up and my hips ache, i went to target but I had to come home. I am really nauseated and I really want to fight but I just don't have it in me today. So here is to tomorrow.
Peace

Sat

Got really sick in the middle of the night. Felt good today,went to my house. Went to the mall. I am at moms enjoying my pain pill. Got my disability and had taxes taken out so I am in good shape. I thought it would be difficult and everyone said you never get it the first time. I filled out forms on line. Went to the ss office the next day. 3 weeks later the money was put in my bank Acct. How hard was that? I guess stage 4 cancer is easier then a bad back. So... I am happy about that but the bad news is it isn't totally enough. But I am grateful.
My dog had social hour at the Laws this morning. Not only does he love their dog charlie, but he like toddlers too! The grandkids were there. Good boy rid.
Ok that's about it for today. Have a good weekend since it is finally cool.
Thank god. It was awesome out today.
Peace

Day 3

It took 4 fucking hours to get the chemo. Ugh. Pharmacy is soooo slow. But I got it. I have to take my mezna at 8:30 and now 12:30, which is why I am irritated.I have to take mezna 4 and 8 hours after treatment to protect my bladder.
I don't like having to stay up to take the meds. Oh well. There's nothing I can do. So I am going to mom's soon. Mrs. Laws and the chaplain here kept me good company for most of the time. Mom can't sit still so having her here is like having nobody because she gets fidgety and leaves. That's ok. That's just mom.
Mae is coming to get me and Ann made a nice quiche for us for dinner.mom is down in concord at the photography soiree. Rid will be happy to have mommy time. Such a great little snuggle bunny. He has lost all of his little puppy baby boy qualities and now he is a big boy. It kind if makes me sad. I have been so sick I kind of just let him go. I loved him everyday but I am not really alpha so much with him. Deep down I am but he loves mom, he was loving his auntie Leslie but she hasn't been coming to see him. He has lots of girlfriends in mom's neighborhood. Daisy and ging are his 2 fav girls. Charlie laws is his best bud. They play chase and lick each others faces.

Day 2

Today was day 2. It was good.I felt ok and went and had a pedi after and then had a decent dinner.mom's neighbor brought over some delicious teriyaki chicken with carrots and potatoes. So I ate. Had a great lunch too. CPK (California pizza kitchen) has just added this rockin roasted veggie salad. So now I am blogging. I am full of energy from the steroids.
My stomach is swollen which has me a little worried. It had gone down and now it is bigger. Not sure if it is swollen or if shit is growing again. I hope it is fluid!
Keep your fingers crossed.
Peace

Yo

Got the 1st dose. Went fine. I have to take mezna at 8 and midnight tom protect my bladder.a side effect of this drug is bladder hemorrhaging. And then there is the steroid buzz. I think I will be up all night.ugh.
So I am reading and watching tv. But it gets a little boring. Ok I have it again tomorrow-that's when it kicks in(nausea etc) ok gotta go.
Peace

Ya wait and ya wait and ya wait and ya wait

Name that tune. What show? Who sang it? $5 bucks to the correct answer. I am at the infusion center and I am waiting on drugs. I had the dressing on my pic changed. It itches like crap. The adhesive has been on my arm for a month and my skin is rebelling.I decided to write on the blog... I really don't have much to say. Kelly it was great catching up. Mrs. Laws, have a great weekend and happy birthday! Peggy,chin up! Leslie, relax and stay still!
I guess I will be here all day, I thought it might be quicker, but it isn't. Figures. Waiting on the premeds and then the chemo. Mom went to my house and to Hovan to get lunch. I gained 4 pounds because I know I am going to lose it this next week. I also started eating small amounts of meat. I just got too burned out on chicken and shrimp. Does anyone know the real scoop on soy proteins and cancer. I keep getting conflicting info.
I used to eat tofu and boca and the was told not to because it mimics estrogen in The body. Then I read articles refuting this and I am confused.
My ca125 is down to 21.5, wahoo. It was at 55 last time and it has been as high as 185. All the other levels are good.No transfusions this time.
Ok no other news.maybe more later.
Peace

Mornin y'all

Coffee on the porch.reading emails. Insomnia, yuck. I am whooped. Headed over to stay at mom's later today so I can be 5 minutes away from the infusion center. Chemo w, th, and fri. Sooo glad I am home now. I am feeling like the old me. Maybe a little tired but on the whole pretty good. I am ready to work a little but try and get some day play. It's like I am typhoid Mary. I couldn't get a day in the film business if my life depended on it. Fuck it. I know who will come through for me. I will know next week hopefully about disability. Not enough to live on, but enough to pay the mortgage and some bills. It sucks that you get taxed on it. Better than nothing. I have paid on ss so long, it is good to get some of it back.

I have gotten my yard and house in pretty decent shape. I have handled a lot of loose ends that were hanging out there for 6 months. It feels good to get things in order and get caught up. I can pick things up off the floor finally. I couldn't bend over since feb.
More later, time to ear breakfast, grits......Mmmmmmmm
Peace

Cancer

You just never know. I guess I have been so sick for the past 6 months that I did not think so much about my illness. Honestly, I laid there and thought about nothing. Now that I am better, my anxiety about my illness has cranked up. Getting the diagnosis was shocking. The taxol carbo platin not working was scary. The new tumors growing was horrible. Throwing up and almost dying was bad. The whole month of July was in the hospital. Now the tumors have shrunk and the new treatment is working. But it could stop at any moment. I pray it doesn't but it is a reality. Cancer does become drug resistant. It happened to me before in just 8 weeks. I have to take it hour by hour. Day by day. That is all I can do. But it does feel like I am trapped in my cancer. I can't plan anything right now. I wish i could.
Peace

Sat

I just woke up. It is chilly on the porch. My coffee tastes good. I am happy o be at home and anxiously waiting for chemo next week. Blood work on Monday. This has been a weird journey so far. I write on the blog is to keep people informed and to get stuff off of my chest. But some people want to keep questioning. They want more info this is not enough for some reason. They question the doctors. What part of this is my illness do they not get. Uncle. The other painful part about being sick is you see some people for what they really are and it is a little painful. But in the end it is good. I can't deal with some people's bullshit. Especially now. I am sure some of you have gone through this. you just have to write some people off.
I have to pay the insurance company $10,000 in penalties, don't ask. I looked into appeals etc but it is true. Now I am working with the hospital to see if they will write off or do a payment plan. Figures.....
On the bright side I was able to take rid on a small walk yesterday. I scrubbed the front steps, and vacuumed. I guess I will be able to work some right about the time disability kicks in. If they don't deny it.
Well I think I might attempt the Scott show.
For a minute. I miss filling up a 5 ton. I also miss the apple dumpling people that were at Lakewood. For that matter I miss Lakewood. It was so much better than Scott.
Ok have a great weekend. Peace

Today

Going home, so don't come visit or send large expensive gifts. My levels are low so we will take blood Monday and try again. Just as well. I can go to my house and be some more.
Sooo bummer, I wanted to get chemo out of the way but oh well. Oops iv team is here, gotta go. More later.....

Hospital

I checked in at north side at 9 am. They just told me I can't have Cheme because my platelet count is too low. Not low enough to have a transfusion. I hope it comes up tonight so I can have chemo tomorrow. Meanwhile I just ate a salad and am watching food network. The neelys irritate me. I brought 2 books but I am not in to them. I am bored. None of my favorite nurses are working today. I might be rebellious and unhook my iv and go down to the gift shop and buy magazines. They hate it when I do that. They like to unhook me. I sort of have a view. I can see buildings in the distance. Usually I see the side of a building so I have some sky and greenery. No other real news. Will keep you guys posted on any new developments. Maybe I will order some morphine and take a nap. Peace

A Day

I  was having a cancer day today. I am going to the hospital for treatment. I feel safer there. I am so fucking sick of this shit. The cancer could build a resistance to this drug. or not.... It does happen quite often. I have to live in this and it won't go away. Just good days and bad days. I thank god for the good days and just lay there on the bad days. I want my life back so bad and it just is not going to happen. It is such a gross feeling. And then there is the deep exhaustion. So deep in me that my bones ache. I sleep and rest but it never goes away. It's the cancer and the chemo. It's stage 4 cancer. Those of you who are going through chemo know what I am talking about. And you know what it is like being trapped in your cancer or any other bad illness ie kidney,blood disorder etc. I normally try to be up and not complain, I just am having a day today....... Tomorrow should be better,,, I guess, Jacked on steroids, I ask for morphine to take the edge off. ok.... going to go downstairs for dinner. Mom is making me corn on the cob. Peace

Today

Off to see the Dr. We will see if I  am checking on to the hospital for chemo this week. i am at Mom's and i am getting ready to leave. i feel like this is my last day of freedom. I will feel manic from the steroids in the chemo and I will have extreme difficulty waking up. Then i will feel queasy for a week after. OH well.  C'est la vie. It is lightly drizzling and chilly which makes me sooooo happy. I am wearing long pants and a sleeve. FAll is almost here. My favorite season. I am def going to catch the leaves changing in the mountains. I should rent a cabin at Lake Burton. Ok no other news. Just have to fight with Northsade, They did not call with in 2 days to precert me for my last stay and i got popped with a $5000 penalty. i just have to get the energy up to call the billing office and argue. Sucks. I also need to find out the right person. Any suggestions?
OK Peace.....

Slacker

Sorry I haven't written. i have enjoyed these past few days feeling 'normal'". Sometimes i like to pretend I am not sick. If only for a minute. I am eating well and have more energy to do some things around the house. I basically have not lived here for six months and when I have been here, i am on the sofa or the bed. i have gotten alot done. It feels good to not depend on everyone. I have chemo on Wed. , not sure if I am doing it in the hospital or not. I kind of hope I do. I feel safer,
No real other news. Trying to buy clothes. Building up a new wardrobe since I had to start over. EXPENSIVE> I have had some good luck with sales and thrifting but thrifting is tedious.
They just called, I have to go in tomorrow and get magnesium and potassium at the infusion center. No biggie. my levels are low. Better to get them up before chemo.....
Bummer though that kid of kills my labor day. It always takes a bit. the pharmacy is slow getting the drugs to the infusion center and then I sit with the drip for 2 hours and then a 30 minute observation. Blah, Blah, Blah.........
Well that is all the news. Hoping everyone is doing well with their chemo and having a great labor day weekend.
Thanks again for all the calls, emails, cards, prayers. Call if you want.
Peace