I have always had a lot of friends, and if someone is my friend I plan on keeping them forever. Very rarely have I had to cut people loose. I have lots of friends that I do not talk to frequently, but we can always pick up right where we left off. I have some friends that we only talk on the phone, some are email friends, some are dinner friends. Since I have been sick I just haven't talked to my friends. I am just feeling to tired. Talking takes a lot of energy and some days I am exhausted. I get it now. Chemo wears you out. I am very nervous about Thursday. I hope I sail through it like I did the other one. I felt very safe before because I was in the hospital. I do feel very supported with this cancer group. Everyone is very nice and concerned. So as far as friends are concerned I feel so supported now. Thanks you guys. Some friends can't deal. Some people just drain my energy too much. I love them but I gotta go for now. such a strange place to be. I really can only live in the moment. I mean literally day by day. People ask what I am going to do after cancer. Fuck if I know. All I can do is try and beat this. I have to eat and drink, and pay attention to symptoms. I do not have it in me to do any more than that. I have decided to go to Easter mass. A big decision for me because I am going to the church I grew up in. I have not had communion there since my Dad died. Bittersweet. The church is also tiny so it will be easy. I know some body is reading this rolling HIS eyes but whatever. I have a secret penchant for communion wafers dipped in tawny port. Our communion wine.
Ok I got off on a tangent but one day at a time!
Hi Ellen. Having been through what I went through with my mom (I'm sure you remember quite well), I know exactly what you mean about living in the moment and not having the energy for more. When things change so rapidly all the time, it is hard to think about anything but now. So don't. Wish for the after but live in the now. You know all this.... all I'm doing is rewording what you've just written. But my point is DO NOT feel guilty about anything right now. NOTHING. DAMNIT! You've mentioned several times about friends that aren't dealing with this which makes me worried that you're feeling guilty. It's nice that you're thinking of them, but do not feel guilty. When the shit comes down to this, you have to do what is best for you. Which means surrounding yourself with love and care and support and birds singing and sitting on the porch reading and eating those foods you love and getting through the day.
ReplyDeleteXOXOXOXO
Rachel
So glad you got to come home for a while. Just remember, I am next door if you need ANYTHING.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to intrude, but know I am here if you need me.
Love,
Su
Not feeling guilty! Just lonely sometimes.
ReplyDeleteit sucks when you don't have the energy for human interaction and feel lonely at the same time. i'm telling you, if you haven't already watched "justified," timothy olyphant is ready and willing to be your virtual companion. :-)
ReplyDeleteand hi su! from your old neighbor!
rachel
Ellen and Rachel, too...I LOVE JUSTIFIED! It comes on 'on demand' too. Ellen, you are really a rock holding place in a storm. You may be a little weather-beaten but you're standing! There clearly are so many of us who love and adore you and please do know, this is hard on us too. No one want to see someone we love and cherish have to go through what you're going through. I think, pray send good vibes your way, every day. XO Peggy
ReplyDeleteThe truest meaning of friendship is being there when someone needs you - no matter what - and not needing anything in return. We are all here for you, dearest Ewok - all your phone friends, email friends, dinner friends and closest friends. The beauty of your life is the incredible Love all around you - no matter what. When you feel its mighty presence in your life and go forward with its strength beside you and behind you, no evil or sickness will win.
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