Dang dang dang

I still am throwing up. My stomach hurts. My fentinol patch fell off and I did not know it so I put a new one on and I feel a little better. I did not keep supper down and I have been in bed all day. The tumors have grown. The new drug is not working and I can't have chemo next week. We have to wait another week to get the adriamyacin out of my system. So my stomach is distended and it will continue to grow. I did get my fridge fixed today. The heat people are coming Monday to fx the furnace an dedicate a circuit. Hopefully that might solve it. I doubt it. Mom went to the store today for me. I tried to get her to help me do some chores but she did not want to. I swept and mopped the floor myself. All she could do is bitch about the dog. Fuck it. I am sick, dying, and I can't deal with nagging and bullshit. I am going to be gone and she is going to wish she took the time to sit down and talk to me. She never has. Not during this whole illness not once has she sat and watched tv with me. Not once has she asked if I am scared or how I am feeling. If I am in the hospital, she makes up things she has to go do that don't matter. I have begged her to get therapy but she hated the therapists. Uncle. I give up. Her loss. I can't deal. Gotta take care of myself and keep moving on even if it means spending Christmas by myself. I can't deal with non communication and passive aggressive games or the perpetual victim role. Mom complains to her friends and they side with her but there are 2 sides to every story. Keep that I mind. I love mom but uncle.......Leslie is there for me and she gets it but she isn't here. I wish she was. I love her with all my heart and she has done so much for me. I could not get through this without her. I am so glad I have my sister. she is my rock.