See the thing is, you have good days and bad days. You never know what you are gonna get. Sometimes you throw your lunch up for no reason. Sometimes you have random bone pain. Usually long bone but hips too. you have the percocette but you are torn. Do I ache or do I walk around loopy. you shouldn't be in pain because you can't heal but you feel like a loser when you are buzzed out on the sofa. Then there is the inevitable side effect of pooing gravel from the codiene. how could you be a jumkie and live like that?
The other thing is even if you are getting better you know there are little evil renegade cells in your body that are eventually gonna win and kill you. But, you have to fight them everyday. You have to hold your head up and think about winning because if you lrt yourself get depressed you might not get back up. It is not denial, it is fighting and it is fucking exhausting. Every day you wonder is this protocal gonna stop working. Are my kidneys gonna be damaged. Is this all gonna go away in 4 treatments and then maybe a maintenance chemo for the rest of my life? It is all in there floating around.
Doctors are great but they aren't god. Some of them think they are. Some of them are pretty real and those are the ones you want. If you ask other doctors about doctors they are pretty tight lipped and i get that. pay attention if there is a long pause.... it means something. Got it? Sometimes I question and argue. Sometimes I sit back and wait because with chemo you never know. Thank god we didn't put the peg in. I fought like hell to not have that. i didn't want to walk around with a bag of bile, gross. Kind of like the damg foley catheter bag, yuck.....
Anyways I am just thankful for this good time.
Peace
No comments:
Post a Comment