throughout this journey

i guess the other thing wanted to say about cancer, and I mentioned it along time ago in a post, is that I am as fragile as a piece of worn tissue paper in some ways. i can't pony up and fight some things like I used to. If there is a problem with the insurance etc in my old days I would relish the fight. Now my stomach gets in a knot and I am a nervous wreck. I function but one thing i can' handle is mean people or yelling. I just don't have it in me and all i want to do is make it stop. I don't want to argue or anyhting...... Done. Throughout this whole process I have gained a new appreciation and understanding of the medical field. Especially the nurses trained for the bone marrow unit and oncology as well as all of the Dr.'s I have encountered except for 2. i have been shown so much compassion. i know dealing with cancer day in and day out is not easy but what is interesting is the dr's that aren't dealing with it daily. As i mentioned before I did not care for my first gyn onc and most recently my urologist who will remain anonymous but is a supreme dick head of the first order. I was snapped at barked at, and made to feel stupid and incompetent when I couldn't fire off all the reasons certain procedures weren't performed. Yet when I tried to facilitate the info for him and have my Dr. call him, he declined saying he was busy and had surgery the next day. That is the only time in my life I have been treated that way and too bad for him because he is fired. I am the client and I pay the bill not he other way around. So he can be the arrogant surgeon that he is, and treat the surgical nurses that way but not me. Ahhhh.... back to the good Dr.s, I think one might have to detach from some emotion to handle death and extreme illness but at the same time that does not mean that you have to lose a sense of kindness or caring and that is why I am so appreciative of all the wonderful people that have helped me. I am not just talking dr.s and nurses but also technicians etc. Even complete strangers on elevators have reached out and offered kind things to say to me and in turn, I have tried to offer encouragement to other people in the infusion center. UNfortunately we all are on different journeys but the commen goal is to fight and win. i just have lost some of my competitive spririt but I will get it back. My handy companion is right here trying to help me now.
Peace.