Today is a hard day. I am waiting to go to the Dr. tomorrow and I am dreading what he is going to tell me. I am sad and scared. I have cried some today. I normally try not to but fuck..... Anyways,the thing that is the worst is I am still here. my brain is fine. physically I am back to normal. I feel good or well as good as I can for now, and then my drug craps out on me. my body is letting me down. i am trapped in my body and it is failing me because this thing in me is causing my cells to mutate.... you know you learn in Sunday school your body is your temple and I get that now. I am not my body. I am me and I am still here feelings and all and I have no control over this. So fucking unfair and I fight. i wish I knew how this happened or what caused it. But I don't... It has been almost a year since I started feeling bad. I guess I am lucky for this year but it has been a hard year. i felt bad. I was in the hospital 6 weeks total. I haven't done much except try and feel better. I have had some good days. Today is one of them. I am listening to the kids play and the sun is beaming in on the porch. There is a symphony of leaf blowers going. I hope that racket ends soon. I want desperately to start a project ie touch up floor canvases I painted for the porch or start a painting for the baby but I feel paralyzed and numb. So I sit in my chair with my handy companion and write nonsense on my blog.tomorrow will be another day and I will still be here with the same fears and the same sentence just a clearer understanding of how we will proceed. They said don't worry but they forgot they told me in jUly all the remaining treatments have a 20% success rate. Who the heck knows...Maybe some research has unearthed something. Daxol was mentioned before. A cousin of taxol it enters and cures at a cellular level. Problem is there is a shortage. there is a middle man that has been holding out on distributing taxol and daxol in an attempt to drive up prices and there has been a nationwide shortage. I think there is a very special place in hell for this guy. Who would jeopardize peoples lives and treatments like that....
OK gotta go'Peace
That feeling of being paralyzed is terrible. Some days I think, why start something I probably will never finish? The other day someone asked for the expiration date on my credit card and I started crying because that date is so far away, further than I can see.
ReplyDeleteNo one who has not looked into this abyss that is cancer can understand.....
Yes, there is a special place in hell for the manufacturers of Doxil, who experienced a "delay".
Hugs from JoAnn
I'm so sorry you are having a down day Ellen. You are right of course, there is a special place in HELL for the manufacturer of the drug you need. What do they think...you can just wait? I'll never understand that kind of thinking. I'm sending prayers and hugs your way.
ReplyDelete