The cancer is a part of me now. It has consumed me. Not in the physical sense but in every other area of my life. Financially,spiritually, socially, etc. I pray to get well. I'm on disability, I make food choices based on it. It affects my sleep. I can't travel right now. I can't be around kids, dr appt abound, and there is no break from it. As I mentioned before there willbe no nice remission period. And now the good drug ifosfamide that is saving me has caused franconi's syndrome in one kidney. The good news is you can live your whole life with one kidney. The bad news is we can't compromise the good kidney. So In a few months there is a chance my kidney can heal itself. We will check later. I was told in July there are 2 good options for treatment. One quit working. One damaged my kidneys. See my dilemma. My dr. Is working on a new treatment plan and we will discuss it on Tuesday. Meanwhile the wind is knocked out of my sails and I am not in the best mood. This was my good time before the next round. Not anymore...... It is always something with Stage 4 cancer and you can't get off the train..... It gets old. I remain positive but I just want a small break.
For some reason the phrase "It's a beautiful life" keeps echoing through my head. Where is my beautiful life? I had it.... And I did not even know it. Don't take yours for granted.
Thank you for always being so honest in your blog. I continue to learn so much from you.
ReplyDeleteEllen, I am sorry your options did not work out, but it sounds like your doctor is really on top of things and looking out for new options.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right in saying that we should treasure each day...but it seems no one but those who have looked into the abyss really understand. I keep telling people to not put things off, to DO IT NOW!!!
Hugs,
JOANN