Saturday, May 7, 2011
You question
You know I go through the day, and there is a lot of routine and monotony. There are things I do not write about even though I am pretty open and share a lot. I have mentioned faith. Something that is very personal and something I Do not feel like sharing with some people. when I did I got way too many long emails and mountains of scripture. I deleted it because I can't focus on reading much. I write but long emails are a chore. I am still not reading books. I think about god and life and higher powers and living and positive energy. Not all day but it bounces around in my head. I also think about this cancer a lot. Not being sick but how did I get it. I think it was this toxic place guy and I shot at and ironically he got sarcoma too in his tonsil. Might be a coincidence. Is it genetic? We are not the cancer family. We are the heart attack family. Plus this is the rare weird cancer for 70 year old women. I had a half of a half percent chance of having this. I went to get a ribbon. You know breast cancer is pink, ovarian is green, etc. My cancer doesn't have a color. Would be nice to have a color. Oh well..... That's how it goes. Those are the things I think about. I think about friends and family. I think about my death and I am going to pay for my cremation this week. Cheaper that way. I wanted to be buried but I don't anymore. I also am planning my funeral. I am not giving up but I do not want a priest saying a bunch of strung together things he gathered from some brief conversations right before the service. He can do the down and dirty part but i want my friends to get up and say whatever they want good or bad. More real that way. I hope this won't happen for a long time but I want it how I want it. There is more stuff bouncing around but I do not want to share right now. Ok that's it for today. Another slumber party tonight. Ciao.
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I see blue for you. Not a mammy-pamby blue, but one that is lush and vibrant. It's the blue that is in the sky only at summertime, as the sun is going around the globe. The sky goes from the reds to the blues, and just as it turns to the darkest night time, it is the most amazing blue ever. That is the color I see for you. I take comfort in the fact that we humans have nothing to do with this and we can never duplicate it. Throw in a crescent moon and Venus hanging out waiting to start her stuff up and it's perfect.
ReplyDeleteCrap. I know better than to compose my message in this little window. The stupid browser ate all my pretty words. It was good stuff, too; a paragraph or two about how my Mom took me to buy my own funeral plot several months after my surgery and how I want people to come look at me when I die and to say "he looks so natural" and how I've been to more funerals than weddings, and how I've been a pallbearer at no less than 20 funerals (probably more). It was also a rebuke of film people and their inability to face death. Anyway, let's see if this far shorter version posts...
ReplyDeleteThanks for the blue and vision.... Drew, do you remember that toxic place on false river with the cages and the pool?
ReplyDeleteI think you're very brave. When my friend McKenzie left us 2 years ago, her family was too weird to get up an speak, was handing it over to some minister that barely knew her. I got my other girlfriend Margaret up there and we literally took over. We made people laugh and applaud and it was exactly what it should've been. I would never let you have anything but an incredible celebration of life. But, you have to promise to do the same for me. Afterall, who knows who will go first in this lifetime huh?! Love ya, M.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ellen for being open enough to teach us. Your writing helps me to know what a person wrestling with a life and death disease is feeling. I don't know a better way of being a teacher to those of us who don't understand fully.
ReplyDeleteHave a great Sunday! Much love, Kaye
My cancer has no color either, and not much research and no "walks" to raise funds. I never should have gotten it, either. I am not 70 nor am I African American. My gyn onc had the pathologists re-do my initial biopsy because I did not fit that profile.
ReplyDeleteI planned my funeral years ago, long before this diagnosis. I just want a celebration of my life, with Irish music and lots of talking. I also made a list of things I want to leave to my 50 nearest and dearest friends and relatives (not immediate family). One of my dearest friends died 10 years ago and I had nothing of hers and decided then and there that I would write out what I wanted others to have of mine. Nothing big, just books and small pieces of jewelry.... mementoes.
I am sorry JoAnn. It would be nice to have a color. I like that idea about something for your friends. I never thought about my funeral before ingot sick but I went to a. Couple lately that were not what the person would have wanted. When my aunt died of pancreatic cancer and I went to the viewing, I was so sad because she only weighed 80 pounds and she did not look natural and she did not look like herself. I will never know why my cousin had an open casket she would have been embarrassed.. So I decided cremation. I can be spread with 3 of my dogs and my cat max. That makes' me happy to think about.
ReplyDeleteEllen, I remember a place over in College Park or East Point area that made me physically ill. I was sick to my stomach at that place and felt really, REALLY shitty. Is that the same place you're talking about?
ReplyDeleteYes!
ReplyDelete