I know I can be intense, cranky, emphatic, passionate. I Can bitch up a storm but deep down I am not mean. It's just my big defense mechanism. The wounded teenage angst thing I just never stopped doing. But I do know a lot of mean people. I saw one particularly mean person today. I used to work with her for years and she was a total bitch. Well actually cunt would be more appropriate in this instance. She made my life hell. But I can't hate. I was polite and she has had some misfortune and I felt bad for her. I don't want to be friends but I can't walk around with the hate. And of course she is not sick. Mean people live forever. Nice people die. I wish I was meaner. I can say mean things but I think I am just not mean enough..... My aunt died of pancreatic cancer. She never said I mean thing, she was truly a Christian, and probably a virgin.she was 72 when she died. Again, nice. Not mean. I am being ridiculous here but this is whAt is rambling around in my head. I am just irritated. I feel better. I am tired of being sick. I want this to be over, and I have a long way to go. I do not want mean people in my life. I am all i can handle...... And that is enough.....
You get sick and you just want only certain people around. Mellow, funny, silly, not mean. Ok I am babbling, peace....
I couldn't agree more. I had a dear friend tell me that i am always the victim. I have never spoken to her since. When she has cancer with 3 young children at home, surgery,radiation,chemo and all of the after affects maybe that day she can be mean to me. Otherwise done. You got me all fired up ! My mil's husband of 40 yeats died unexpectedly while she was battling ovarian cancer (she's doing great btw). Most of us would question why? She gives great advice. When i am annoyed by family she will say "build a bridge". Love it. But not for the meanies.
ReplyDeleteI have wanted to comment for days but have been busy. So I will try to catch up now.
ReplyDeleteI think you should do and say whatever you want. And do not push yourself. I know it is hard but you do need to conserve your energy. I m also a Type A personality and the hardest thing for me to do is relax. I want to do everything like I did "before". One thing I have tried to do is to pace myself, but I am not always successful.
Why do bad things happen to good people? That is something I have pondered since my sainted mother died from breast cancer.
My tastes changed a lot during chemo and some things still do not appeal - like sun-dried tomatoes and mushrooms. I craved olives and still do, and, of all things, radishes! LOL Unfortunately, the great love of my life, coffee, now seems to cause nausea. GRRRR
I have had some vertigo too - it is caused by one of the chemo drugs, apparently (WHAT THE HELL ISN"T???) but mine did not come on until I was done. I have been going to physical therapy and working on balance exercises (among other things) and that seems to have helped. Vertigo is a terrible feeling, isn't it?
I have found that it is difficult when I am realistic with some people. Not negative, just realistic. They know how bad my cancer is but do not seem to want to face it head on like I do. Oh, well.
How is your tummy tenderness?
You and I are both lucky in one thing, wonderful sisters who are loving and caring. Mine lives just a mile away so I am especially fortunate.
I wish you the best, Ellen. Take care of YOU.
Thanks so much ladies. I did not realize vertigo might be a side effect. I will call. I guess the bottom line is all of us with cancer can totally relate to each other. All the other people want to and do sometimes, but not really. Cancer is a a scary journey and I know I say a lot of things but the bottom line is I am resigned to it.
ReplyDeleteI have had a lot of friends make a lot of comments I have not posted. It hurts. I get upset sometimes. It is lonely. It is scary. Thanks for all of your support.
JoAnn also if you have coffee while you eat does that cause nausea. I can't have coffee on an empty tummy. Have to have food with it. Maybe that would help.
ReplyDeleteEllen, I have tried coffee at various times and not at all for the last two weeks. I am going to try it again soon. I am thinking it is the acid in the coffee, maybe, that is causing the problem.
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