Bittersweet

Tomorrow is my birthday which is bittersweet for me. I always liked my birthdays but not as much in the past few years. When I left wade the day after my birthday 2 years ago, I had a bad one with him. Last years I don't even remember. This one is a waste. I do not want to go to a nice restaurant. But the reality is, this might be my last birthday. I am not being negative, just realistic. I am cautiously optimistic every day. But I have been sad today. Somedays the reality of having cancer hits and you cry a lot. I sometimes wonder what I did to make god hate me so bad but I know that is not right. It just feels that way sometimes. And my religious friends, p,ease do not write me mountains if scripture or long rambling things. I am just venting here. I normally try not to get this deep and melancholy on the blog but this is the reality of where I am. I am feeling better but it is hard not to get a little depressed. I have fought it really hard. If i get negative sometimes it is reality, some friends can't handle it and have snapped at me. Fuck em. I never snapped at them when they said stupid shit.I just listened. And they didn't have stage 4 cancer.so I will be Pollyanna with them and vent on the blog. So tomorrow will be what it is. Will do something with my sister and mom. Then Leslie leaves...... She needs a break. I need a break..... Ok well that is about it. Had to get that out. I do feel better today, just having a moment. I was bad, I ate a varsity chili dog and it was great. It is the only thing I have craved in 2 months, and it made me really happy. I am taking tums now and I do jot care. :-)