On a more serious note

I am still not keeping food down very well and it is weighing on me. The thought of being terminally ill looms in the back of my mind. I try not to let it surface because I am going through my day trying to feel normal and not be sick or feel sick. I am fighting it. I am now down to 119. I lost another 20 pounds and I am struggling to try and keep weight on. This morning I ate a lean pocket. Why will that stay down and something healthy won't? Whatever It stayed. I also had a large mug of chai tea and it was delicious. I miss my coffee but this was delicious and satisfying. I added some milk an honey.
It is quiet here. Drew, my house guest left. Mike and Eric came and pressure washed my deck and front steps so I can get them painted. I appreciate that so much. Mike brought a cajun chicken from the cajun grocer and I cooked it for lunch yesterday. Delicious! There is a place in Marietta called the Cajun Grocer. They take whole chickens, debone them, cover them in cajun spices, and stuff them in either shrimp and rice dressing or crawfish and rice dressing. So good. Try one. They also cut steaks and have authentic cajun that you can't get here like homemade boudin, tasso, and Camellia brand red beans. They make gumbo etc and sell it but it is very expensive and not so good.
Anyways back to what I was writing, things are weighing heavy on my mind because I don't know what is next. I go to the alternative Dr. tomorrow and I feel good about that. My old Dr. I see Tuesday. I wonder what kind of crap the nurse will lay on me. She was nice on the phone, but had to get one tiny zinger in. Maybe I am being defensive. I get that way sometimes. But all in all this is fucking scary. I don't know when the chemo I have in me is going to wear off and I am going to go downhill. I could probably ask some of this but I don't want to know in a way. I guess I am not afraid of the dying part; I am afraid of the suffering part. I know that is what hospice is for, to alleviate the suffering, but at the same time, I don't want to be in some morphine induced fog and totally out of it. Kind of overwhelming.  So I don't think about it, and I go about my day trying to live as if it is normal. It does feel good to accomplish things to improve my house and make it nicer. It is something I can do, and I can see tangible results. Painting is next. Funny I know Manuel will be pissed I got the pressure washing done but he likes to paint the day after he washes and I tell him no and his English suddenly gets really bad and he doesn't understand. Oh Manuel.  Ok that is it for Sunday morning.  Enjoy this gorgeous day.