Funny, the sicker you become, the deeper it gets. I thought it would be the other way around, or maybe it is just how I am wired. I guess since I have thought about my situation after the last post I have come to some conclusions. There are several things that are rolling around in my head and they are consuming a lot of my time.
1. My Dr. handled all the news badly that he gee me last week, and I was shocked at how much I did not know. Although, I have to admit I did not ask tons of questions, there were quite a few things presented to me on Thursday I had no idea about. After a year it seems one or 2 of them might have come up. Not everyone is a good communicator, nor is everyone good at discussing emotional things/ Whateva.....
2. I am exploring some alternative treatments and things, there is a lot of weirdness out there. It seems there is a wide spectrum of bullshit. I think in each of these "treatments" there are some nuggets to be gleaned but there is also a mountain of WTF?..... I did get the name of an internist that studied with Andrew Wiel. I think there might be some goodness there as well as the name of a cancer nutritionist. Right now I am in a slump where i can't eat and I have to get through this. At least my "fasting" is helping starve the cancer but it seems to be starving me. I don't want to get dehydrated and so far I have fought it off. It is the food thing that has me worried. I tried Kiefer tonight, but that did not work
3. I think the hardest thing that came out of this information last week was this. How do you grieve for yourself? I have grieved for aunts, uncles, my Granny, my Dad, dogs and cats, friends.... but not myself. And it is my own journey. Nobody can help me with this. There is nobody that I know that did that except Jesus and I don't think we will be having a one on one about this anytime soon. This is just one of the hard and painful components about being terminally ill. I guess this introspection is good and bad. I feel as if I know myself more than I ever did and I have a confidence and a power I never felt. On the other hand, I feel alone and lost and this is large and not something that is easy to share with people. Thus the blog. Really I just have to get it out. It is more for me to get it out than for people to comment, although I do welcome some comments.
Not the negative or mean ones. I have gotten a lot of support and ideas and I appreciate it.
I am not in a position to comment back on everything. Nor am in a position to answer all texts, emails, and hone calls. I do read everything, and I do think about it all. I just don't have the energy to personally respond.
So enjoy your weekend.
Peace Out
So proud of you for seeking the alternative treatments. I sent a small package to your Grant Park address but I see you are at your mom's, hope somebody brings your mail. Just a little something to make you smile. Thinking of you, M.
ReplyDeleteThis is a profound question - how does one grieve for oneself? I have often wondered that myself. I just know that I am sad a lot. And we are so alone with these thoughts....no one else can understand.
ReplyDeleteHugs from JoAnn
Friends and family CAN be very kind, but no one but Martha has been as close to death as we are. You have bee so brave and strong; but I feel like I am ready to go.
ReplyDeleteOur cat Eric, passed away this morning at 2:am. He just lay down on a quilt I placed for him on the top step to the sleeping loft. He refused food and water for at least four days.
Last night I held him and petted him as I watched TV. At almost 2:am he cried twice, breathed twice and went on. Bob and Tux were with him.
I hope you remember how much he loved you, and your unique back scratching.
We had a service for him, which Tux attended. I would liked to go like him.
You are so young; I wish I could give my remaining time to you. You have been a great and neighbor.
I love you, Su.
I am so sorry you are dealing with such issues that none of us should have to deal with until we are old and grey. Sending you strength and time and being able to eatand enjoy your rid. Are you home? Hope so. We have never met, but I consider you a dear friend. LIVESTRONG.
ReplyDeleteEllen, being ill is the loneliest feeling in the world. We chatted a little about this during my visit.
ReplyDeleteHow do you grieve for yourself? I don't know. My experience is that you love yourself. All of yourself.
4 other people were dying around me when I contemplated my mortality - my London father, my grandfather, my grandmother, my family soulmate/cousin (ovarian cancer at 54), my fiancee's father. I think it took two years for the information to sink in that I came so close to dying, despite 6 weeks of lying still with the doctors saying 'if you must move to relieve yourself, ok, but nothing else!' I was frozen in fear.
My fiancee and I watched All That Jazz so many times, and after we broke it off he said 'You didn't really almost die.' See, since I lived, it didn't really happen according to him. Lots of reasons to stay in denial: focus on everyone else, 'cept me.
When it did sink in, I trembled randomly and often. It was visceral, physical, thunderous, overwhelming, stealthy, silent, menacing, omnipresent. Like you, I felt lost, small, alone, felt idiotic, silly, struggled with the gravity of all of it, wanted the freedom I was powerless to achieve. Uselessness is a shit feeling after you've worked so hard to be productive & relevant.
Upon reflection, seeing that small child & giving her the love no one else can give her is the most important thing you can do. You deserve it. You need it. You have that power - you said you feel it.
This is hard to type; I don't want to come out of denial either. Love is all there is and all that ever has been. Love yourself; you are the best one to do it and in some cases the only one. I am sending you mountains of love. We all love you. Keep fighting, and fight with love.